Thursday, February 2, 2012

I dont get it.

I just don't see how people just walk away.
I don't get how they just give up.
I understand that every situation is different... but to just let go of something so important to you without even looking back..
How do you do that?
Right now I wish part of me could just walk away from the hurt, but somehow I just can't do that.
I value the relationships I hold, because to many times have I had to wake up and not have them there.
How can you walk away from this, that easy.?
It is a burning feeling inside me, that is consistently there.
That no matter how much I care.. no matter how much it meant to me.. no matter how much I fight. No matter how much I don't sleep because it's all I can think about.. you don't care enough to even look back.
And that right there is what hurts.

Monday, January 30, 2012

as of today.

All I know is that I am very grateful for good days.
For good days bring positive thoughts, that I can look back on when I don't feel as strong.

I say it over and over, I am aware don't worry..
but sometimes life does go to shit,
and there isn't many things left that you can turn to.
And sometimes the road seems so confusing, and ultimatley just not worth enduring..

but that is when you have to block out everything but your own thoughts.
Once you realize how many of the negative things that are coming into your head, aren't yours.. you realize how your path clears up.
Maybe not completly, but the haze of the day will rise a little, and the hope you hold will keep your endurance strong.

Lately I've noticed my reliance to others, and how big of a role people play in my life.
It would be nice to believe that everyone of them will stay where they are for the rest of my life, but reality is that won't stay true. I have placed myself in the arms of others, which has been my saving grace through some of the hard times lately.. But what happens when they aren't there anymore? What happens when you wake up and you are the only thing you have? Your heart, your mind, your soul. Not what others think you are worth, not the support others are willing to lend, Nothing. Just you. For me it didn't turn out so well, and i found myself more lost than i could have imagined.

"its like screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed. That someone can be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, but nothing can save you. Then when its over, and its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good."

Just playing over and over in my head.. and it was sad how true it rang. I felt ashamed that i meant nothing to myself without these certain people in my life.. but there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. And SO bad did i wish i could have it all back. All the pain, all the misery, every bad thing.. just so i could experience a glimpse of the good.

And that my friends, is sad. And here i am telling you, how pathetic I felt.. because I know now that it'll be okay. That through all the things thrown my way, I can and will push through it. I don't care now that if it is on my own. I don't care if my shoulder is the only one i have to cry on. I don't care what I have to do, but failure isn't an option. The second you let the thought of giving up into your head is the second you fail. The second you no longer have self worth because you have loaned it to someone to hold and they let you down, is when you loose yourself. It's sad when you feel like there is no trust in your life. Not a single person to trust and lean on, and I'd like to believe that it will change. But as for me, my life, my high school life, I am all I need to pull through anything. It may have taken a little convincing, and major reality checks of what matter to me.. but here i am.

Come what may.

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are."

- who you are.

Saturday, January 28, 2012


Shout out to my home girl for sticking by my side through this sickness.
All the naps, sleepless nights, movies, Popsicles..
Mannie you're the best.

ain't got nothing on me.

People can only take as much from you as you let them.
Their critiques can only get to you as much as you let them into your head.
They can only knock you down as far as you are willing to fall.

if you don't stand up for yourself, that gives them the power and authority to knock you down lower than you would be willing to go other wise.

a compromise made, is an opportunity lost.

stand up for yourself, cause frankly nobody is going to do it for you.
you might feel like you are fighting the battle on your own,
but you're strong enough to win it.
It's the voices you are letting inside your head that are telling you, you can't.

you can and will.
block it out and move forward with your head up.

i can and i will.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I Annie, am terrified of needles.
I walked into the lab repeating,
'I'm going to die' over and over.
And all the nurse had to say was,
'Please don't do it in my chair'
Gee thanks for the reassurance.
But ladies and gentlemen.
I survived!
Too bad the hospital didn't have any of those 'I survived shirts'

Oh well. Go team Annie! I'm so proud.

oh darlin.

if you give it a chance,
anything can work out.
haha honestly.
i can't vouch for that more.
for the past bit, i've been so mad.. thinking things wouldn't turn up.
and they did.
i guess only God knows how, because it still blows my mind.
but i don't really even care to know, just knowing that there is a way for everything..
is just what i need.
never give up.
i promise it pays off in the end.