Tuesday, August 23, 2011

who even knows.

after writing a negative post i always want to right a positive one.
haha call me two faced. i don't mind.
i told myself today that i am ready to be happy.
i am ready to move past what has happened.
no matter how much i wish it hadn't, it did and all i can do is accept that.
no i do not like being at school, and feel betrayed by majority of the people around me..
but this will be the last year.
the year before i'll make big plans, and hopefully leave the state.
i'm ready to start focusing on my writing,
and start making things happen.
life isn't going to fall into place.
well yes, it will.. but if you let it do that, it most likely won't be the way you want it.
saying you believe in destiny is fine, but don't let it be an excuse to sit back and not make things happen.
become a possibilitarian.
no matter how dark things may seem to be,
all you can do is raise your sights.
once acting upon a thought, or making a crucial decision you have to keep moving forward.
see every possibility.
cause they're there.
i'm grateful today for; my love of writing, and how my journal is an open canvas. it listens pretty darn well i must say. i'm grateful i have the privilege to go to school, and further my education.

i am grateful i am alive.

not so sure about this.

welcome to the overly dramatic post... have fun reading.
day one is over.
and i'm just about done.
i really really want this year to be over, right about now.
i know everyone says "your senior year is the best, live it up"
if this is how it's going to be... i'd rather figure out how to finish early and peace the freak out.
already i want to go up to people and just ask them to shut their mouths.
like really, go tell me best friend crap about me, i dare you.
do you not think she is going to tell me?
like make up alllll the freaking lies you want,
who do you think she's going to believe.
try and knock me down when i'm at my weakest. do it.
day one and i want it to be done and over with.
hanging out with the heather and the provo group sophomore year showed me how mature people can be, and taught me that i had to be more mature if i wanted to fit in with them, as dumb as it sounds..
and now going into this year. like i feel like people missed that lesson.
i want them all back, and things to be like that again. missions need to go by faster.
this weekend sucked. this day sucked. 
i want it to be a fun year, i really do. and i know once everything that's going on chills out and i don't have to think about it as much it will be fine. 
lets hope that comes quickly.
and side note. why do people back stab you when they KNOW you are going through a hard time.. like honestly. 
grow the freak up.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

open armed.

the depth of decision making is overwhelming.
the choice i have officially made, is mind blowing to me.
ask me one month ago if i ever felt this way, i would have laughed.
ask me if i ever wanted to walk away from this, i would have laughed harder.
that was my life.
little things throughout you're life create stepping stones,
right now i feel as though this was a chunk of concrete that was just laid down.
things are going to change, and at this point for better or worse, i couldn't tell you.
playing ben harper-walk away, will probably be the only relation i will have to comfort,
and right now that is all i need.
there are new things in life heading my way.
i am now opened armed because i've let go, one of the biggest things i had.
i do not know what to feel right now.
i don't know if it is right to feel relieved or to wish to take it all back.
starting out senior year with so many emotions probably is not the smartest thing.
but what is done, is done.. and is what needed to be done all along..
no matter how much i wish already to have my old life back.
here is to the relationships i held, and i pray that they will never change.
though i already know, that will not happen.
life is hard, and full of tough decisions that can make or break you.
i'm ready to be happy.
i'm ready to feel okay.
i'm ready to release anxiety into the open air.
i'm ready to love endlessly, not feel weighed down, and prepare for my future.
i'm writing this so when it's hard to look back at what i have done, i can remember that i am at peace, and know it was the right decision.
i wish i could have had the strength to explain myself face to face, and say sorry.
but at times you have to remember,
you should not ever apologize for doing whats best for yourself.
and remember that if relationships change because of your decision,
you were never truly the friends you thought you were.
people should respect you, regardless if they think your decisions are right or wrong.
hello new life,
i'm not sure i am ready for you,
but hear you are.

Friday, August 19, 2011

not ready.

dance company rehearsals have started.
being back at school makes me want to run away.
i do not want to go back.
yeah, you have to start to end,
but i'd rather just end. ha.
i'm not ready to head back into judgemental people.
i'm not ready to head back into people that do not understand me, and probably never will.
i'm not ready to face the sea of people, and have to try to avoid saying or doing a wrong thing, afraid what people will think.
i'm not ready to have to try to explain myself and my decisions to people.
i'm not ready to look upon old faces and wonder what happened to us.
i'm not ready.

life is confusing.

i don't think there has ever been a time, that i have been so confused.. ever.
i need someone.
i need someone to tell me what to do.
to help me make the best decision.
to tell me it's going to be alright.
to comfort the tears..
decision making, is near impossible for me.
especially when it's something that means as much as this one does.
part of me lives in movement.
i find fulfilment in creativity, fluidity, and expression.
the part of me that lives within the girls i spend every day with is so great,
that at times i don't think i could live without it.
but every rainbow has previous rain.
and this storm is almost to the point of not being worth fighting for.
the rainbow hasn't come, and i can't fight it anymore.
i wish i knew what to do.
i wish i could go to the future and see the two sides to this.
dance is what i need.
at times it has been the only thing i feel like i can call my own.
dance is my home.
not my dance studio, but dance itself.
the freedom received from it could never be described.
life is full of crucial decisions.
and i'm not ready to make this one.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

if words could kill.

the desperation that has occurred this week needs to end, here.
there is some things people can say, that take you back,
and there is others that might as well stomp all over every part of your body.
Bad news never had good timing.
laughs to crash.
i'm so sick of not knowing what to do.
not knowing to stop or go,
to speed up or slow down,
to work things out or take a step back.
words can't describe how grateful i am for my best friend.
sounds ridiculous, and like im tryna be all cool and prove i have a great best friend.
But... that's far from.
If it wasn't for her.
man. ha i do not even know.
i know taking life one day at a time is key,
but sometimes looking to the future, and what will happen then, is the only thing crowding my mind.
sometimes it's time to throw in the towel.

dear anxiety attacks,
i've found you have made a humble adobe inside me. i'm glad you feel comfortable.
but the problem is, i start school next week. I can not have what happened last year,
happen this year. i need to be in school, always. so as fun as you have been to have
around, it hasn't been all that much fun. feel free to move to a new home. i heard
narnia is nice. glad we had the quality bonding time we had,
annie. the person you have had fun attacking for way too long.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

slow motion.

Due to the fact that my hand can't write fast enough to get the billions of emotions down in my journal, i turn to the blog.

Coincidentally two days after i write a post about how i have felt as if my definition of best friend has altered, life somewhat "slapped me in the face". Friday night was one of the scariest, and in some ways, life changing nights ever. To avoid further details, i will skip to about 12:30 that night. About fifteen texts came in from a friend that i take far too advantage of. Reluctantly, this friend is far stronger, and more in tune with those surrounding her, and seemed to know something was wrong. All i can say, is from this experience, i realized how crucial friends are. You hear that endless amounts of time, from parents, teachers, family, and for me I've more than "brushed it off my shoulder". But at times you need to realize when your not strong enough, no matter how much strength or endurance you feel you contain, at times it may not be enough. So find a friend that has the courage to stand up to you and tell you to snap at of it, at your most stubborn times. Find a friend that will tell you how they feel, regardless how hard it is, because they know it is going to hit you hard. Search for someone that will say "i will always support you and your decisions, but i want the best for you". Find a friend that explains to you that you have no other choice than to face your problems, no matter how much you've tried to avoid them. Find the one that will point out that you keep saying your fine, but your really just bottling everything up. Find the one that can get through to you and point out that you may be... well acting like an idiot. Reality check. yup.

numba two. today has been one of those, "you think it can't get worse, then it does" days. Seeing people from school at a farewell didn't make it any better. The fact that life is setting in, and we are back to the hell hole called school in about a week, makes me want to vomit. Then fights, memories, flash backs, and many dramatic, emotion filled moments girls have often... yeah just wasn't a good day. Find a friend that will drop flowers by on your porch, that make you cry because that is probably the only thing that could have made you feel at all better that day. Thank you, if your reading this... you have no idea what you did.

annie, stop being an idiot. thanks.

inception. for lack of a better word.

flashback. [flash-bak]- recurrent and abnormally vivid recollection of a previous experience.

For better or worse, ones mind stores far more memories than one would think.
Life has a way of reminding us of these, especially at some of our weakest points.

Regardless the number of blinks, the strength in your head shakes, or trying to place new thoughts to counteract this flashback from occuring;
The memories are still there.
And there is no erasing them.

"I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now." -Marc Maron.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

redefine best friend.

Sometimes basking in old memories is heart warming,
and other times you realize, how even the smallest amount of time can change everything.
You realize that no matter how many pictures you take with your "best friend",
apart from the hours you spend in their bed, laughing, trying to counteract the pain and drama of the world,
regardless the number of inside jokes you have,
despite every secret you have told them,
The next day they could be gone.
Reminiscing on the past years brings back memories filled with just about every emotion imaginable.
From pure bliss, to betrayal.
You never truly know who will "always be there for you."
One may wish to think that once coming across a friend they quickly "click" with,
that they will be their bridesmaid, and long after riding in hot pink jazzy's together.
Through the years, ones definition of "best friend" alters,
thinking year after year who my closest, best, most inseparable friend was,
it changes drastically.
To think, some of these people are not even a part of my life any more..
That i could not tell you where they are living, or what they are doing with their lives.
At the moment in your life that they are that friend to you,
You would never expect for them to be gone.
For you, they are meant to be held in that special spot, for eternity.
If only life worked that way.
I like to think that there is people out there that sincerely care,
that won't stab you in the back,
that won't tell your deepest darkest secret,
that you can complain to for hours and they honestly won't think any differently of you,
that you can "call at three in the morning," cause they are there for you,
that there is someone that can say "You are my best friend, and i would never do anything to hurt you"
and prove it.
I'd like to think that taking a million pictures and putting them on facebook, or commenting on their wall a million times, makes a best friend,
that you can have few things in common, and look past the past hurt they have caused you previously,
I'd like to think that you come across these things often,
but in reality, that doesn't happen.
I'd like to think this way, but the world has a funny way of proving me wrong.
So be the friend you may have never had,
be the person that will make a crack in the incredibly fake stereotype of a "best friend"
Be the one that is down to earth, does not care about pleasing every person to have a million best friends, be the one that sticks to their word, be the one that doesn't say things that are not true about someone, the one that befriends the underdog, the one that isn't fake, the one that can start a conversation with people easily, the one that your friends can turn to, the one that holds others secrets inside them, and respects the fact that they have been hurt and just needed someone to talk to about it. Be all of this and so much more.. Regardless that the whole body of people surrounding you, is just the opposite.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Avoiding cleaning my room? youuuu betcha.

Carlee, i stole this from you.
If i knew how to tag you, you could bet that i would..
But ha. about that.
ABC About You Questions:
B- BIRTHDAY: May 26th.
C- CRUSHING ON:  Harry Potter.
D- DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Orange Julius.
F- FAVORITE SONG: is it possible to only have one?
E- EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Charlotte or Derrick.
H- HOMETOWN: compton.
I- IN LOVE WITH:   harry potter.
J- JUGGLE: no way.
K- KILLED SOMEONE: let me tell you.
L- LONGEST CAR RIDE: south california. 13 hours.
N- NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2 brothers and 1 sister.
O- ONE WISH: dance again soooon. fully..
P- PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: derrick... of course..
R- REASON TO SMILE: because i get to work with ashley today haha(:
S- SONG YOU LAST SANG: sang? more like screached.. counting crows. color blind.
V- VEGETABLE(S): i pretty much like them all.
W- WORST HABIT: popping my hips..
X- X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: uhmm teeth, knees, shoulder, ribs, clavicle. i think thats all. ha...
Y- YOYOS ARE: uhmm.. who cares?.

Spell your name without vowels: nn hahaha
Your favorite number?: 7? haha
What color do you wear most?: grey
Least favorite colors?: pink... or yellow.
What are you listening to?: best love song duh.
Are you happy with your life right now? yes sir.
Who's your best friend? derrick... and ashley.
When do you start back at school/college?: 23rd.
Are you outgoing?: when i want to be..
Favorite pair of shoes?: high tops.. any of them.
Can you dance?: i'd sure hope so.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: no.. but my little sister can.. jealous.
Can you whistle?: not even close.
Cross your eyes: yup.

Do you believe there is life on other planets?: yes..
Do you believe in miracles?: sure do.
Do you believe in magic?: yes.
Love at first sight?: sureee i guess.
Do you believe in Santa?: uhmm i wish i did..
Do you know how to swim?: Yes
Do you like roller coasters?: yuuup
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows? hell no..
Have you ever been on a plane?: yes sir.
Have you ever asked someone out?: other than dances, no.
Have you ever been asked out by someone?: yes.
Have you ever painted your nails?: dur.

What is the temperature outside?: too lazy to check.
What radio station do you listen to?: 92.5
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: thaifoon. yuum
What was the last thing you bought?: shirt..
What was the last thing on TV you watched: my strange addiction hahaha.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: hahaha me and derrick..
Who was the last person you said I love you to? my sisssterrr.
Who you said it to and actually meant it? my sister?

Ever really cried your heart out?:well like my heart didn't come out? if thats the question. no but a lot, yes.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: yes.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes.
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: depends....
Do certain songs make you cry?: not cry.. but make me feel sad.. possibly.

Are you a happy person?: for the most part. yes.

Been to jail?: nope.
Mooned someone?: uhh.
Laughed so hard you cried?: all the time.
Cried in school?:  i don't think so..
Wanted to be a model?: sure.
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about?: all the time.
Been on drugs?: let me tell you?...
Gone skinny dipping?: yess.

Pepsi or Coke?: Coke! .
Chocolate or Vanilla?: vanilla is disgusting.
Strawberries or Blueberries?: strawberries
Meat or Veggies?: i don't eat meat.. so i guess i'll go with veggies.
TV or Movie?: movie
Guitar or Drums?: guitar!
Adidas or Nike?: both. too hard.
Chinese or Mexican?: mexican probably.. i really like both though.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: ahh corn flakes duh.

Friday, August 5, 2011

in memory of you.

W.H Auden, you and I my friend... would have been great friends.
"Death's Echo"
The desires of the heart are as crooked as corkscrews
Not to be born is the best for man
The second best is a formal order
The dance’s pattern, dance while you can.
Dance, dance, for the figure is easy
The tune is catching and will not stop
Dance till the stars come down with the rafters
Dance, dance, dance till you drop.

an enduring spirit.

Goodbyes are never easy; anybody could tell you that.
When farewells are for an extended time, they become harder.
Regardless of ones beliefs, death is never easy.
The world lost one of the most incredible men, ever given to it.
"The arts are for the brave."
He gave himself to the world.
His drawings, sculptures, music, compositions, and profound knowledge,
will forever touch the hearts of his family and friends.
I truly do feel honored to have him in my family.
But, unfortunately i never had the chance to say the things i wish i could have.
Somehow, i think now he will be able to see how many lives he has touched, unknowingly.
So here's to you uncle Benson.
You have helped me realize what i want to do with my life.
The sky's the limit some say, but you went beyond that throughout your life. Easily.
After your memorial i realized that i need to step up, if this is what i want..
Here's to the man that has inspired my life.
Here's to your art, music, inspiration, for it will never die.
You showed everyone that we have it in us.
"A man that believed we were all children of a God, trying to overcome this world.
 To find the beauty around us."
For death is never easy, but easier knowing you will be close. I know you will.
Love you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

simply me.

I am not a therapist, philosopher, tree hugger, or even God.
I am a passionate seventeen year old girl, that is just trying to figure life out as it comes.
I don't find what I say profound or intriguing on any level.
I say what i feel, and what comes from my heart.
I do not wish to be famous, nor do i think I am any greater than the man next to me.
I do wish to add to the decreasing group of genuine, real people in our word.
I do not wish to be popular or well known.
I desire to be who I've set out to be, and if along the way, i change.. So be it.
I do not wish to do extravagant things, or go down in history for walking to the moon.
I wish to be known as a girl who set her dreams as priorities,
and strived every day until they were accomplished.
I am not your average girl.
I do not own a "go green" shirt,
because i prefer purple, anyways.
My clothes aren't anything special,
but hey, they are comfortable.
I do not wish to be loved by everyone, or have a billion best friends.
I do not wish to lie, be fake, or kiss butts.
I wish to stand up for myself, not let people tell me who i am, nor allow them to state my future, and inform me of who i will become.
I do not care to influence people,
I care to not let people negatively influence me.
I do not care that every day of my life is not full of events, dates, or plans.
I strive to surround myself with those i love, and learn something new everyday.
Whether it be the square root of 3892739472394,
or the fact that i think tomatoes are the most disgusting food on the earth.
I do not wish to live a perfect credible life, full of money, "bff's", and all that jazz.
I just wish to find some sort of positive aspect from every situation.
I do not aspire to walk in million dollar shoes,
I wish to be comfortable in my own.
I just wish to be me.

Simply me.