Monday, January 30, 2012

as of today.

All I know is that I am very grateful for good days.
For good days bring positive thoughts, that I can look back on when I don't feel as strong.

I say it over and over, I am aware don't worry..
but sometimes life does go to shit,
and there isn't many things left that you can turn to.
And sometimes the road seems so confusing, and ultimatley just not worth enduring..

but that is when you have to block out everything but your own thoughts.
Once you realize how many of the negative things that are coming into your head, aren't yours.. you realize how your path clears up.
Maybe not completly, but the haze of the day will rise a little, and the hope you hold will keep your endurance strong.

Lately I've noticed my reliance to others, and how big of a role people play in my life.
It would be nice to believe that everyone of them will stay where they are for the rest of my life, but reality is that won't stay true. I have placed myself in the arms of others, which has been my saving grace through some of the hard times lately.. But what happens when they aren't there anymore? What happens when you wake up and you are the only thing you have? Your heart, your mind, your soul. Not what others think you are worth, not the support others are willing to lend, Nothing. Just you. For me it didn't turn out so well, and i found myself more lost than i could have imagined.

"its like screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed. That someone can be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, but nothing can save you. Then when its over, and its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good."

Just playing over and over in my head.. and it was sad how true it rang. I felt ashamed that i meant nothing to myself without these certain people in my life.. but there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. And SO bad did i wish i could have it all back. All the pain, all the misery, every bad thing.. just so i could experience a glimpse of the good.

And that my friends, is sad. And here i am telling you, how pathetic I felt.. because I know now that it'll be okay. That through all the things thrown my way, I can and will push through it. I don't care now that if it is on my own. I don't care if my shoulder is the only one i have to cry on. I don't care what I have to do, but failure isn't an option. The second you let the thought of giving up into your head is the second you fail. The second you no longer have self worth because you have loaned it to someone to hold and they let you down, is when you loose yourself. It's sad when you feel like there is no trust in your life. Not a single person to trust and lean on, and I'd like to believe that it will change. But as for me, my life, my high school life, I am all I need to pull through anything. It may have taken a little convincing, and major reality checks of what matter to me.. but here i am.

Come what may.

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are."

- who you are.

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