Friday, December 30, 2011

beyond the border.

There is so much more to life than you let your mind explore.
There is more than the latest drama, newest brand, and most "in" look.
As soon as you let yourself explore, and find a greater meaning to life, you open up new galaxies within yourself, that are greater than anything you could of hoped for.
Allowing yourself to become the person you wish is key, but realizing there are worlds out there, waiting for you to discover will get you so much farther.
look past easy, and go on to all the possibilities.

these days.

Sometimes you have to just keep going.
No matter how easy it may be to have pity for yourself.
You are alive and well for the most part,
so  take that and run with it.

run far away.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Harsh reality.

The harsh reality of life is that it isn't going to wait up for you. You can pause and stop to think about what you want but truth is nothing is waiting. Nothing is put on pause. So you choose to be knocked down? You choose to let life win. You throw in the towel cause it keeps going without you. So choose to live. Don't sit back and wish it would change. Make things happen, and keep moving forward.. cause that's really your only option.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

how bad do you want it?

such a good motivational video.

"as soon as you want something as much as you want to breathe, that's when you will be successful."

Friday, December 23, 2011

you can't define it.

It's easy to put a definition on what will make you happy.
Setting guidelines that you want your life to live by, to make you happy.
Well what happens when life changes and doesn't go your way?
you aren't going to be happy anymore?
well welcome to life. 
it has a funny way of doing just that.
so what do you do?
realize that there isn't one certain way of living that will make you happy.
You have to adapt to what ever gets thrown your way.
i learned this week that it is easy to shut off.
it's easy to make yourself immune to feeling.
to choose to be short answered to everyone, and not care what anyone has to say or think.
yeah maybe you'll get by living that way for awhile.
but once you realize that it is okay to be okay with things.. 
to be open to new ways of life,
you can be just as happy as before..
yeah maybe you'd wish your life was one certain way,
and hopefully it will come to that.
but for now, be happy.
love with all you have,
the way you have it.
because how bad is it going to suck to look back and think you could have been just as happy with the way things were but you were too stubborn to have it any other way.;
yeah maybe it's hard, but it's so worth it.
i'm happy.
i'm ready for new changes, a new way of life, 
no matter how it comes to me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

fight against the storm.

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sometimes you just feel pathetic.

it's like so bad you want to be with someone that you'd do honestly anything.. but you are so scared to do the wrong thing that you end up screwing things up in the process. You are so scared that you are going to make the wrong move, or say the wrong thing.. that while being so hesitant to the person you end up messing everything up. You want them to be happy, but realizing they could be perfectly happy without you sends you through a world of shock. You want to be so close to them, but end up distancing yourself so they don't want to be distanced from you first. people tell you that you are too young to know what love is, but you know that you've never loved something so much in all your life. You feel pathetic, and like the biggest joke possible.. while the only thing you know is that you might be madly in love with someone who might not feel the same way.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


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Just breathe. it's going to be okay.

to love.

to love is to expose your heart one hundred percent,
to show your flaws,
to hope to be kept safe,
to release your fears of being broken,
to rid yourself of the "what ifs"
to fill your mind with memories, and moments you wish to relive over and over,
to disregard what everyone else has to say,
to love another with all you've got,
to make the best out of life,
to find a reason worth living for,
to hope in return, that the other loves you just the same.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

take me away.

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I guess all i wish..
is that i was in hogwarts.
somehow that seems like it would make everything better.

for now..
the hp marathon will continue.


Monday, December 5, 2011

december fifth.

cause when it rains, it pours.


For the moon, by night will hold you there,
along side my soul, and hopes, and dreams..
to hope that one day i will meet you there.
and all will be together as one.
as it should. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011


as the cold winter air, begins to turn my not so dry hair into icicles,
the door opens.
The oh so familiar home engulfs my thoughts, as i am overwhelmed.
why? not sure.. just one of those days.
as we hugged gloria and sat down.. i see the stable oxygen tank, and the green cord piled on the ground.
he enters the room.
the clear, joyful, face fills my eyes with tears.
i quickly approach the fragile body,
and hug him as gently as i could.
we sat down, gave him the crossword puzzle, and card and began to talk.
as concerned as ever he asks about each child, and college plans.
my eyes begin to float to each unique item in the room.
the shell necklaces that hung around the stair rail, Samoa.
the wooden elephants placed in groups, Africa.
porcelain ballerinas, spain.
Glass dolls, Germany.
carved wood plaque, Jeruselum.
marble table, Ethiopia.
Memories nearly tangible, floating around a man with a soul so old and intelligent, almost impossible.
a life, lived.
giving everything he could.
As i trail through the christmas's provided, the birthday cards with money, and big shoes, only he could fill.
my grandpa.
It is hard to see someone you love, go through trials.
he is so strong, but how much longer will his strength endure?
time will tell.
as i hug him goodbye and walk down the grey concrete,
my heart is filled with thankfulness, as my eyes fill once more with tears.
my grandpa.
love you so much.
always will.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

hi. best friend? member me?

it is incredible how fast someone can disregard you from their life.

i feel like i need a flashing sign to wave in their face to ask if they remember me.

i understand growing up, graduating, and moving on,.
I'm ready..

but i didn't know tied to that was, forget about you, not text you back, or not give a crap at all.

i hate loosing friends,
and realizing that we will never be what we were..
kills me.
let me know when you're done growing up and being all "cool" k.
cause at one point we were all each other had.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

take as you wish.

I don't wish to out blog someone. Post the most inspiring quote. Update the most on facebook. Be the girl everyone loves at school. Be the most creative. Always have the best advice. Or be someone people look up to. 
But for the record..
At points in my life i have felt like there was nobody to turn to. That i didn't want to explain my thoughts.. or what i needed to my friends because of how stupid i might sound. The nights when you just beg that someone would come to your mind that would listen or be understanding, but it never seems to happen. I have be betrayed by friends countless times. I am extremely insecure. I have felt alone. There are things that have happened in my life that have completely wrecked me. Times that i don't want to get out of bed because life just doesn't seem worth it. and to be straight up. I know I am not the only one. I know that growing up isn't easy for anyone. And there is so many decisions you have to make that aren't easy. That there are times that you just wish for one person to be there.. and that everything would be alright. I'm glad that blogs kind of bring out the "growing up sucks.. but i'm doing it" side of everyone.. because it is nice to know that you aren't the only one. 
I know that life sucks sometimes. and that there are people out there who are debating on if it is worth it. And to get personal.. i have been surrounded countless times with people who don't want to do it anymore. Who are ready to throw in the towel. and it is incredible how many people feel that way, and how so many people are to damn prideful to care.
So here is to anyone out there:
It's hard. sometimes too hard to handle.. but people say it's worth it. Those that have gone through just as shitty of things as you have. And they are here and well. So don't give up. I don't want to be the fake girl who is friends with everyone "because she cares".. like that's just not me.. i'm not about to throw away who i am to be someone else to people. But i'll tell you this much. I am here to listen. That is me. I find strength in others, and know that sometimes it's leaning on other people that gets you through those times. I know that without some of my friends.. i would be stuck in sadness. or troubled times.. i know that there is certain people who have no idea how much they have touched my life and helped me to keep going. I'm not going to try to understand why you feel the way you do, or tell you how you should live your life. Because that is your part. But i will listen. and sometimes that is all people need. Know that i love you.. who ever you are. not because you read my blog... haha (which may be a slight factor) but that you aren't conceited and read this entire thing. haha.. just know that there is someone there.. and those nights when you just need someone to listen.. i'll be there. no matter the circumstances.. and i honest to the man up stairs mean that. keep on keepin on. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

seven things.

number one: I want to be a nascar driver.
(okay.. it doesn't have to be nascar.. but i want to race cars... driving fast.. is by far the best feeling ever. and when i did get my first ticket for speeding.. by the d.b. p.g. cop.. i wanted to say "alright.. i'm just practicing for my future career".. but seeing as he was the orneriest cop alive.. i decided to pass. the boy thinks it is so funny that i drive a billion miles a hour.. but it's okay. haha.)

number two: I think my dislike in change has taken ahold on my movies.
(let me explain. For those of you that know me.. know that i watched the grinch every night for a year.. yeah i missed the times i was out of town.. but honestly.. my faithfulness to that movie is a joke. every line in that.. is permanetly stuck in my head. but i watched the italian job one sunday.. then began watching that every night.. then my obsession with harry potter took over my life. but the point is.. like i have five select movies that i switch off between.. but i can't seem to watch a different movie. oh well. i'm satisfied.)

number three: i am obsessed with pictures/quotes.
(pinterest and weheartit... are my life. bottom line)

number four: i miss my old life.
(soooo bad do i wish i was with my team. my girls. my best friends. every day.. through the fights, drama, stupid things that piss you off.. and just random crap... like it is more worth it than anything. although i'm glad i was able to have a job.. and be able to work every day.......... i can't believe i'm saying i'm grateful for that.. but anyways. i'm glad i can work. but i don't want to be grown up yet.. and manage my  money. i want to be at studio one. every day for the rest of my life.)

number five: passion for paint
(random obsession with painting.. weird.. cause i use to hate it. but oh well it's fun:))

number six: boy and best friend. blessed.
("i'm not lucky i am blessed yes". for freaking real. ha i find the need to do a brag post every so often. but for realllll between the two of them.. i am so dang lucky. they are two of the most unique.. haha and incredible people ever. love them both so much.

number seven: -15 lbs..
(by the end of the year.. that is my goal. incase you were wondering. hahaha ps. like two posts ago i wrote soda only twice a week........ that was the funniest thing i think i have ever written. good heck. soda addict? [x] awesome. and not that i'm like at all trying to flaunt this.. but if i feel like i put it on my blog.. more motivation? or something. haha wish me luckk)

welllll.. everyone has pretty much done it by now.
so i tag.
whoever hasn't.

Saturday, October 15, 2011


her- i sorry. boy's suck.
me- really though.
her- i hate them
me- i hat them.
her- i hat them more. That's why i'm gay.
me- i know, that's why we are in a relationship.

find a best friend who doesn't try to make everything a serious sob story when something goes wrong.. but rather makes you laugh your head off about how stupid you are being.. and somehow it makes you forget about all the previous things that happened.. find someone like that, and hold on to them forever. thank youuu.

Monday, October 10, 2011

in the process.

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Hello new life. 
Here is to today.
It has gotten to that point of me wanting a new change, and frankly my nutrition/working out time has been soo crazy ever since quitting my studio. So why not choose that? It's not at all that i am the obese human being, though easy to feel that way. I just want to have confidence in myself, and be able to hold myself with poise. haha that's what my mother says. So i made myself a work out schedule and am sticking by it from now on. Also went to Sunflower Market after work today and got some groceries... Eating healthy is expensive, but so worth it. Hopefully this will help my immune system, that rarely exists as is. haha. 
New Rules: 
1.Soda only twice a week (going to be so hard with a fridge full of every soda you can imagine at work... but i can do it)
2. Water bottle on me at all times.
3. 3 fast food visits a week. which seems like way more than a someone should have.. but realizing i'm in high school.. that is already a major cut back.. which is disgusting. 
4. 20 minute minimum jog/run a day. 
5. Follow work out schedule.. and no skipping things. even if tired!

I'm ready to be comfortable in my body.. which has never happened so this will be new. haha 
Believe in me would ya? I'm going to get there..

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would anyone like to join me? 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

cool story hansel.

friday morning: Woke up dizzy and weak, but time for tdt. yay.. get going.. head to school. start dancing. room starts spinning. I asked my coach if i could sit down.. which was fine seeing as we were cleaning the number i choreographed with presidency.. anyways. sit down. feel like i'm going to throw up. go throw up. walk out to the field with them to space. sit on the bench. everything goes blurry. ask my coach if i could go home.. she says yes. walk towards the school. feel sick again. reach the nearest garbage can.. throw up.. for a good fifteen minutes. look up. hello boys p.e. class. awesome. go in, grab my bag. check out. go home. sit on the bathroom floor. throw up. stand up. black out. pass out. smack my head on the door frame. out cold. cry. throw up. all day. ate four crackers. eventually threw them up. anxiety attack. if you were going to ask.. i will tell you. I AM SICK OF BEING SICK. amen.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

101. thank you.

five years ago today the world seemed to be more confusing than i could have ever imagined.
Laughing and talking about how my clothes never match, Nate, Stewart, Wyatt, and I walked home from school. Did i think I was so cool, seeing as we were walking to my house to see if i could go hang out with them... Yes, yes i did. Covering topics about the usual seventh grade troubles, Mr. Winget, and how "girls were so dramatic" we got closer to my house. As we crossed the side street that divided natani's house and mine there was such a solitude i had never felt about my yard. My house seemed deserted though it looked no different than it did the day before. I told them to wait there while i ran in to ask my mom if i could go hang out. I ran inside as things seemed to be put in slow motion, i looked down the hall to see my mom hysterically crying on her bed, and looked at my dad. I asked him if i could go hang out and as he replied no, i felt the need to not push it by asking why. I ran back out, utterly confused and told them that i could probably hang out later but i needed to clean my room. I shuffled back in and sat down in the living room as i heard my mom on the phone telling someone "Rey had passed away". I didn't get it. How could I loose someone that i knew and loved so deeply. I had told everyone that my uncle Rey was my favorite uncle from day one. I loved all my uncles but for some reason had felt like uncle Rey had made me feel extra special, as he did everyone. Though a mere thirteen years seemed to be a long time to me in the moment, i look back now and feel like i had only known him for a split second. So why if so little time spent with him do i feel impelled to write a long blog post about him? because, he's here. I know some of what he has gone through, not nearly half of it, but i know he knows what i am going through.. every last bit of it. I feel comforted by him, as choices are needing to be made. I feel his guidance, and light throughout my life.. daily. Thank you for surrounding me in times of need, i am so grateful i am blessed with such an incredible guardian angel. High school is tough, and sometimes i feel bad that people don't have such a loving uncle guiding their way. Helping them when they don't feel strong enough to decide things on their own. I can't wait to see you again, and thank you for all that you have done for me. Love and miss you uncle rey... always will. 
"Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow"

happy 100.

the recent non-blogging can be blamed on the fact that this is my hundredth post.
not that the number is any more significant that 99, my head thought otherwise.
happy three digit blog.
i tried to think of something great to blog about, surprisingly... i've got nothing other than thoughts that have been floating around my head for the past couple weeks.
initiated by this quote: If everyone tossed their problems into one huge pile and looked around, one would quickly grab theirs back. 
and by this: The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything- Albert Einstein
 Be grateful for your life, and blessings. but never judge someone or look down upon them for the scarcity they hold, in aspects of their life. We are all trying our best, to trudge along, grabbing hold of the scarce stability life presents. the cliche "keep your head up" begins more tiring, detrimental, and near impossible on your weakest days. But always remember the reciprocal of those times. That there is so many times your life is packed full of happiness, and carefree times. It is just easier to forget those, and become ungrateful but always remember that you are alive and well, and sometimes that is all you can ask for. 

cheers to life. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


 Moon Ceremonies have become a regular in my life, and i am so grateful i have the opportunities to do so. To celebrate life, to let go of the pain and things i don't need. To open up my life to new experiences, love, and happiness. Monday night i decided to be happy. To open my life up to as much happiness was possible. The past three days have been seriously the best ever.. making the conscious choice will truly change things. Watching the worries, pain, and memories of my past burn in the fire was relieving. I learned that I can decide how many times i smile a day. I can decide how much effort i put into my work. What level of honesty i can live. How well i prepare myself for school. How i can act on my feelings. How often i can say "thank-you". Whether or not you give someone the benefit of the doubt. How often you notice and appreciate small acts of kindness. How much i listen and learn instead of jumping to conclusions. How much time i spend worrying. How many new things i try each day. What amount of exercise i get. How often I think about my past. How grateful i am for life. Whether or not i communicate something that’s on my mind. How many times i admit i don’t know something—and then learn something new. When i ask for help. Which commitments i keep and cancel. How many risks i take. How creative/innovative i am. How quickly i try again after falling. How many times i say "i love you". This is my life. And i'm ready to learn. I'm thankful to be alive.


Dear friend,
I've missed you, to say the least.
Every time i see you, it brings tears to my eyes. There is still that enduring connection between us, that we somehow understand. Regardless of the past, and the misunderstood feelings.. there is nothing awkward or uneasy between us. There is nothing to explain, because you just seem to know. There isn't thoughts, or stories i feel like i need to catch you up on. They seem to be irrelevant to the level we get each other on. I know what i'm saying sounds weirdish. haha but i feel like you will understand. I couldn't be more grateful to have you back in my life, and it was good to hear we were both nervous. haha. I just want you to know, i will be eternally touched and grateful for our friendship. That i have someone that can see through my words into what i truly mean. That we have similar quirks, and find beauty in life. I love you, and can promise i will be here for you till the day i die. (after that too.. duh.) i love you so much. and know our friendship will grow more and more from here. thank you for getting me. i love you(:

Thursday, September 8, 2011

if you think i'm scared. think again.

1. liars.
2. liars.
2.1/2. people that act like i'm the one lying.. to cover their lies.
3. people that deny their lies.
4. music stealers...
4.2. hypocrites.
5. doctors that don't know what they are talking about.
6. head aches
7. when people say "i'll own up to my crap.." but then they don't.
8. that i was about to forgive you.
9. that if i don't kiss peoples butts and be a people pleaser i turn into the "snobby" girl.
10. when you trust people.. tell them everything.. and then realize it wasn't worth it.
11. the fact that people don't just ruin my life.. but everyone elses. i can handle it.. but leave everyone else the heck alone.
12. that the bank isn't open.
13. that i lost all of my music.. and my ipod has not one song on it.
14. that people make light of things.. that aren't funny.?
15. that you are still lying. and talking crap...

it's sad that you trust people.
it's sadder that the one person that knew you didn't trust people.. and promised to be different..
was the same as them all.
haters gonna hate.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

normal de se sentir

i think people get scared of feeling.
of being sad, or feeling gloomy.(take note. i hate that word... why i'm using it. no idea)
emotions are normal, and realizing this will make life a lot easier.
hiding yourself when not feeling okay, or as bubbly as normal, seems to be the usual for teenagers.
after going to dinner with a long lost friend..
it reminded me of the connection we hold.
we know that life isn't always facebook picture moments, or status updates..
that we all go through stages where getting out of bed is the hardest thing you could imagine doing,
and resenting school becomes the routine, just because you have to act so fake and happy or else your the girl who hates the world, and doesn't want to talk to anyone.
it's okay to be sad.
it's okay to feel like you can't go on.
you aren't emo.
haha as much as people think that.
no being sad doesn't immediately connect to cutting your wrists,
and being happy doesn't always connect to student council.
being you is what matters.
you need to surround yourself with  people that allow you to feel.
to feel alright.
most the times when i'm not feeling as pumped up as normal, is when i write or draw, and find out new things about myself.
so don't sit and think that the girl that doesn't talk is emo... or "depressed"
or the boy that is the happiest, most up-beat kid, is the most content in life.
hiding what you are feeling will get you nowhere..
and most the time make you feel like you are weird to feel that way.
so feel.
don't be afraid to have a different emotion than happy.
experience emotions, and make the best out of you.


Utah-(pronounced as read): Mormons, and construction.

I don't get it.
Who was the genius that thought if they tore apart every road in Utah county, it would all be finished faster..?
If they tear apart another road, so help me.

(I'm not sure there is anymore roads to tear up anyways.. so i guess I'll be okay.)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

i'll be missin you.

Brinley: That's Papa Rey's binocculars
Heather: yep, that's right
Brinley: Papa Hero
Heather: Papa Hero?
Brinley: Yeah, that's what I call him because when I get hurt he comes to me so I call him Papa Hero.

brinley is five..

miss you every day.
thank you for being here.
though you can't be here physically i know you live within all of us.
living so boldly within us, that a five year old can recognize the influence and help of someone she has never met. Her own grandfather.
thank you for strengthening us all.
love you forever.

"i must go on standing, you can't break that which isn't yours."


Caution: The recent "blues" are being reversed.
in life, there is a way.
a way to  provide for yourself, a way to find light, a way to educate yourself, a way to keep moving forward, and a way to never give up.
there is always going to be those times that you look and feel like for the life of you, you wouldn't be able to find a way to keep moving on.
the endearing urge i have to find something, hasn't quit.
what i am looking for, i'm not sure, mainly because i haven't found it yet.
humans have a drive to obtain something.
to search, or expose themselves to new situations to receive something in return.
whether that be tangible, or rather receiving a thought, or lesson.
with that in mind, those that surround you are striving for something, just as you are, 
why would you try to knock them down?
if you could live life on your own, without the influence, and impact of others, i don't think you would be here.
the influence of others is always far greater than you realize at the time.
but always, always remember it's not just you going through this detrimental time.
that others, just as you are struggling, and fighting to keep their head up.
that you aren't the one that goes through the contacts in your phone, searching for someone that would listen.
give people the benefit of the doubt, give them a chance to explain themselves, and give people time to come around.
realize they aren't purposely pushing you away.
though i am extremely good at it, my intent at heart is not to push people out of my life.
at all.
so here's a public (public meaning like the two people that read my blog) apology, if you have felt i don't want you apart of my life.
i'm sure of one person in specific that is most likely reading this, thinking yeah you are an idiot.
because my stupidity doesn't always recognize how much you've been standing here, waiting for me to come around.
and i'm sorry.
always remember you are great in someones eyes.
and though life is continuously changing, you will be okay.
life is about learning.
though it's been a funny theme song type thing, for a close friend and i.. playing pursuit of happiness continuously has opened my eyes.
"Imma do just what I want, lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold"

the sun isn't always shining for you, but it keeps shining everyday.
i am annie, and i am far from what i once was; but not yet what i am meant to be.

but this is me making an effort to change my ways.
here's to life, and open arms.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

who even knows.

after writing a negative post i always want to right a positive one.
haha call me two faced. i don't mind.
i told myself today that i am ready to be happy.
i am ready to move past what has happened.
no matter how much i wish it hadn't, it did and all i can do is accept that.
no i do not like being at school, and feel betrayed by majority of the people around me..
but this will be the last year.
the year before i'll make big plans, and hopefully leave the state.
i'm ready to start focusing on my writing,
and start making things happen.
life isn't going to fall into place.
well yes, it will.. but if you let it do that, it most likely won't be the way you want it.
saying you believe in destiny is fine, but don't let it be an excuse to sit back and not make things happen.
become a possibilitarian.
no matter how dark things may seem to be,
all you can do is raise your sights.
once acting upon a thought, or making a crucial decision you have to keep moving forward.
see every possibility.
cause they're there.
i'm grateful today for; my love of writing, and how my journal is an open canvas. it listens pretty darn well i must say. i'm grateful i have the privilege to go to school, and further my education.

i am grateful i am alive.

not so sure about this.

welcome to the overly dramatic post... have fun reading.
day one is over.
and i'm just about done.
i really really want this year to be over, right about now.
i know everyone says "your senior year is the best, live it up"
if this is how it's going to be... i'd rather figure out how to finish early and peace the freak out.
already i want to go up to people and just ask them to shut their mouths.
like really, go tell me best friend crap about me, i dare you.
do you not think she is going to tell me?
like make up alllll the freaking lies you want,
who do you think she's going to believe.
try and knock me down when i'm at my weakest. do it.
day one and i want it to be done and over with.
hanging out with the heather and the provo group sophomore year showed me how mature people can be, and taught me that i had to be more mature if i wanted to fit in with them, as dumb as it sounds..
and now going into this year. like i feel like people missed that lesson.
i want them all back, and things to be like that again. missions need to go by faster.
this weekend sucked. this day sucked. 
i want it to be a fun year, i really do. and i know once everything that's going on chills out and i don't have to think about it as much it will be fine. 
lets hope that comes quickly.
and side note. why do people back stab you when they KNOW you are going through a hard time.. like honestly. 
grow the freak up.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

open armed.

the depth of decision making is overwhelming.
the choice i have officially made, is mind blowing to me.
ask me one month ago if i ever felt this way, i would have laughed.
ask me if i ever wanted to walk away from this, i would have laughed harder.
that was my life.
little things throughout you're life create stepping stones,
right now i feel as though this was a chunk of concrete that was just laid down.
things are going to change, and at this point for better or worse, i couldn't tell you.
playing ben harper-walk away, will probably be the only relation i will have to comfort,
and right now that is all i need.
there are new things in life heading my way.
i am now opened armed because i've let go, one of the biggest things i had.
i do not know what to feel right now.
i don't know if it is right to feel relieved or to wish to take it all back.
starting out senior year with so many emotions probably is not the smartest thing.
but what is done, is done.. and is what needed to be done all along..
no matter how much i wish already to have my old life back.
here is to the relationships i held, and i pray that they will never change.
though i already know, that will not happen.
life is hard, and full of tough decisions that can make or break you.
i'm ready to be happy.
i'm ready to feel okay.
i'm ready to release anxiety into the open air.
i'm ready to love endlessly, not feel weighed down, and prepare for my future.
i'm writing this so when it's hard to look back at what i have done, i can remember that i am at peace, and know it was the right decision.
i wish i could have had the strength to explain myself face to face, and say sorry.
but at times you have to remember,
you should not ever apologize for doing whats best for yourself.
and remember that if relationships change because of your decision,
you were never truly the friends you thought you were.
people should respect you, regardless if they think your decisions are right or wrong.
hello new life,
i'm not sure i am ready for you,
but hear you are.

Friday, August 19, 2011

not ready.

dance company rehearsals have started.
being back at school makes me want to run away.
i do not want to go back.
yeah, you have to start to end,
but i'd rather just end. ha.
i'm not ready to head back into judgemental people.
i'm not ready to head back into people that do not understand me, and probably never will.
i'm not ready to face the sea of people, and have to try to avoid saying or doing a wrong thing, afraid what people will think.
i'm not ready to have to try to explain myself and my decisions to people.
i'm not ready to look upon old faces and wonder what happened to us.
i'm not ready.

life is confusing.

i don't think there has ever been a time, that i have been so confused.. ever.
i need someone.
i need someone to tell me what to do.
to help me make the best decision.
to tell me it's going to be alright.
to comfort the tears..
decision making, is near impossible for me.
especially when it's something that means as much as this one does.
part of me lives in movement.
i find fulfilment in creativity, fluidity, and expression.
the part of me that lives within the girls i spend every day with is so great,
that at times i don't think i could live without it.
but every rainbow has previous rain.
and this storm is almost to the point of not being worth fighting for.
the rainbow hasn't come, and i can't fight it anymore.
i wish i knew what to do.
i wish i could go to the future and see the two sides to this.
dance is what i need.
at times it has been the only thing i feel like i can call my own.
dance is my home.
not my dance studio, but dance itself.
the freedom received from it could never be described.
life is full of crucial decisions.
and i'm not ready to make this one.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

if words could kill.

the desperation that has occurred this week needs to end, here.
there is some things people can say, that take you back,
and there is others that might as well stomp all over every part of your body.
Bad news never had good timing.
laughs to crash.
i'm so sick of not knowing what to do.
not knowing to stop or go,
to speed up or slow down,
to work things out or take a step back.
words can't describe how grateful i am for my best friend.
sounds ridiculous, and like im tryna be all cool and prove i have a great best friend.
But... that's far from.
If it wasn't for her.
man. ha i do not even know.
i know taking life one day at a time is key,
but sometimes looking to the future, and what will happen then, is the only thing crowding my mind.
sometimes it's time to throw in the towel.

dear anxiety attacks,
i've found you have made a humble adobe inside me. i'm glad you feel comfortable.
but the problem is, i start school next week. I can not have what happened last year,
happen this year. i need to be in school, always. so as fun as you have been to have
around, it hasn't been all that much fun. feel free to move to a new home. i heard
narnia is nice. glad we had the quality bonding time we had,
annie. the person you have had fun attacking for way too long.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

slow motion.

Due to the fact that my hand can't write fast enough to get the billions of emotions down in my journal, i turn to the blog.

Coincidentally two days after i write a post about how i have felt as if my definition of best friend has altered, life somewhat "slapped me in the face". Friday night was one of the scariest, and in some ways, life changing nights ever. To avoid further details, i will skip to about 12:30 that night. About fifteen texts came in from a friend that i take far too advantage of. Reluctantly, this friend is far stronger, and more in tune with those surrounding her, and seemed to know something was wrong. All i can say, is from this experience, i realized how crucial friends are. You hear that endless amounts of time, from parents, teachers, family, and for me I've more than "brushed it off my shoulder". But at times you need to realize when your not strong enough, no matter how much strength or endurance you feel you contain, at times it may not be enough. So find a friend that has the courage to stand up to you and tell you to snap at of it, at your most stubborn times. Find a friend that will tell you how they feel, regardless how hard it is, because they know it is going to hit you hard. Search for someone that will say "i will always support you and your decisions, but i want the best for you". Find a friend that explains to you that you have no other choice than to face your problems, no matter how much you've tried to avoid them. Find the one that will point out that you keep saying your fine, but your really just bottling everything up. Find the one that can get through to you and point out that you may be... well acting like an idiot. Reality check. yup.

numba two. today has been one of those, "you think it can't get worse, then it does" days. Seeing people from school at a farewell didn't make it any better. The fact that life is setting in, and we are back to the hell hole called school in about a week, makes me want to vomit. Then fights, memories, flash backs, and many dramatic, emotion filled moments girls have often... yeah just wasn't a good day. Find a friend that will drop flowers by on your porch, that make you cry because that is probably the only thing that could have made you feel at all better that day. Thank you, if your reading this... you have no idea what you did.

annie, stop being an idiot. thanks.

inception. for lack of a better word.

flashback. [flash-bak]- recurrent and abnormally vivid recollection of a previous experience.

For better or worse, ones mind stores far more memories than one would think.
Life has a way of reminding us of these, especially at some of our weakest points.

Regardless the number of blinks, the strength in your head shakes, or trying to place new thoughts to counteract this flashback from occuring;
The memories are still there.
And there is no erasing them.

"I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now." -Marc Maron.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

redefine best friend.

Sometimes basking in old memories is heart warming,
and other times you realize, how even the smallest amount of time can change everything.
You realize that no matter how many pictures you take with your "best friend",
apart from the hours you spend in their bed, laughing, trying to counteract the pain and drama of the world,
regardless the number of inside jokes you have,
despite every secret you have told them,
The next day they could be gone.
Reminiscing on the past years brings back memories filled with just about every emotion imaginable.
From pure bliss, to betrayal.
You never truly know who will "always be there for you."
One may wish to think that once coming across a friend they quickly "click" with,
that they will be their bridesmaid, and long after riding in hot pink jazzy's together.
Through the years, ones definition of "best friend" alters,
thinking year after year who my closest, best, most inseparable friend was,
it changes drastically.
To think, some of these people are not even a part of my life any more..
That i could not tell you where they are living, or what they are doing with their lives.
At the moment in your life that they are that friend to you,
You would never expect for them to be gone.
For you, they are meant to be held in that special spot, for eternity.
If only life worked that way.
I like to think that there is people out there that sincerely care,
that won't stab you in the back,
that won't tell your deepest darkest secret,
that you can complain to for hours and they honestly won't think any differently of you,
that you can "call at three in the morning," cause they are there for you,
that there is someone that can say "You are my best friend, and i would never do anything to hurt you"
and prove it.
I'd like to think that taking a million pictures and putting them on facebook, or commenting on their wall a million times, makes a best friend,
that you can have few things in common, and look past the past hurt they have caused you previously,
I'd like to think that you come across these things often,
but in reality, that doesn't happen.
I'd like to think this way, but the world has a funny way of proving me wrong.
So be the friend you may have never had,
be the person that will make a crack in the incredibly fake stereotype of a "best friend"
Be the one that is down to earth, does not care about pleasing every person to have a million best friends, be the one that sticks to their word, be the one that doesn't say things that are not true about someone, the one that befriends the underdog, the one that isn't fake, the one that can start a conversation with people easily, the one that your friends can turn to, the one that holds others secrets inside them, and respects the fact that they have been hurt and just needed someone to talk to about it. Be all of this and so much more.. Regardless that the whole body of people surrounding you, is just the opposite.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Avoiding cleaning my room? youuuu betcha.

Carlee, i stole this from you.
If i knew how to tag you, you could bet that i would..
But ha. about that.
ABC About You Questions:
B- BIRTHDAY: May 26th.
C- CRUSHING ON:  Harry Potter.
D- DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Orange Julius.
F- FAVORITE SONG: is it possible to only have one?
E- EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Charlotte or Derrick.
H- HOMETOWN: compton.
I- IN LOVE WITH:   harry potter.
J- JUGGLE: no way.
K- KILLED SOMEONE: let me tell you.
L- LONGEST CAR RIDE: south california. 13 hours.
N- NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2 brothers and 1 sister.
O- ONE WISH: dance again soooon. fully..
P- PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: derrick... of course..
R- REASON TO SMILE: because i get to work with ashley today haha(:
S- SONG YOU LAST SANG: sang? more like screached.. counting crows. color blind.
V- VEGETABLE(S): i pretty much like them all.
W- WORST HABIT: popping my hips..
X- X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: uhmm teeth, knees, shoulder, ribs, clavicle. i think thats all. ha...
Y- YOYOS ARE: uhmm.. who cares?.

Spell your name without vowels: nn hahaha
Your favorite number?: 7? haha
What color do you wear most?: grey
Least favorite colors?: pink... or yellow.
What are you listening to?: best love song duh.
Are you happy with your life right now? yes sir.
Who's your best friend? derrick... and ashley.
When do you start back at school/college?: 23rd.
Are you outgoing?: when i want to be..
Favorite pair of shoes?: high tops.. any of them.
Can you dance?: i'd sure hope so.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: no.. but my little sister can.. jealous.
Can you whistle?: not even close.
Cross your eyes: yup.

Do you believe there is life on other planets?: yes..
Do you believe in miracles?: sure do.
Do you believe in magic?: yes.
Love at first sight?: sureee i guess.
Do you believe in Santa?: uhmm i wish i did..
Do you know how to swim?: Yes
Do you like roller coasters?: yuuup
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows? hell no..
Have you ever been on a plane?: yes sir.
Have you ever asked someone out?: other than dances, no.
Have you ever been asked out by someone?: yes.
Have you ever painted your nails?: dur.

What is the temperature outside?: too lazy to check.
What radio station do you listen to?: 92.5
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: thaifoon. yuum
What was the last thing you bought?: shirt..
What was the last thing on TV you watched: my strange addiction hahaha.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: hahaha me and derrick..
Who was the last person you said I love you to? my sisssterrr.
Who you said it to and actually meant it? my sister?

Ever really cried your heart out?:well like my heart didn't come out? if thats the question. no but a lot, yes.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: yes.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes.
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: depends....
Do certain songs make you cry?: not cry.. but make me feel sad.. possibly.

Are you a happy person?: for the most part. yes.

Been to jail?: nope.
Mooned someone?: uhh.
Laughed so hard you cried?: all the time.
Cried in school?:  i don't think so..
Wanted to be a model?: sure.
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about?: all the time.
Been on drugs?: let me tell you?...
Gone skinny dipping?: yess.

Pepsi or Coke?: Coke! .
Chocolate or Vanilla?: vanilla is disgusting.
Strawberries or Blueberries?: strawberries
Meat or Veggies?: i don't eat meat.. so i guess i'll go with veggies.
TV or Movie?: movie
Guitar or Drums?: guitar!
Adidas or Nike?: both. too hard.
Chinese or Mexican?: mexican probably.. i really like both though.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: ahh corn flakes duh.