Tuesday, May 31, 2011


went to my last class of my junior year today.
can i get a hallelujah.
really though.
best feeling ever.
you want to know what.
today is going to be a good day.
wanna know why?
cause i said so thats why.
haha. but really.
right now.. kickin back. windows open. blasting a little send me on my way.. and ellie goulding. drinking an arizona. wearin shorts.
gonna go get ready for tdt meeting.
and then the coolest thing ever.
i feel like im talking to myself..
and i would never put this on facebook.
but who cares.
this is my blog.
but last saturday my ballet teacher texted me saying her cousin who is a  professional photographer saw  my pictures we had taken earlier in the month wanted to do a photo shoot with me.
hahaha. i about laughed my head off..
but so i get to do a black swan photo shoot. ahh. am i excited? what do you think. hahaha.
some other girl is going to be there... being the white swan that i don't even know.. but who cares.
im a black swan bihh!
hahaha.. im on something right now my applogies.--- appologies. haha applogies. is funny to say.
then off to the tdt sleep over party.
haha such a good good day.
could life get any better.
well honestly  yes it probably could. but haha thiss'llll do for now. yeeee.
party and party and party and pa and pa and party.

day 16.

favorite quote.
it would be nearly impossible for me to have a single favorite.
but here are.. well a few of the thousands.
  • nobody can go back and start a new begining, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
  • be the change you wish to see in the world.
  • courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is teh quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "i will try again tomorrow"
  • music in the soul can be heard by the universe
  • if everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
  • we are the makers of music. we are the dreamers of dreams.
  • you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
  • in the midst of winter i found within me an invincible summer.
  • whisper words of wisdom. let it be.

the first few i could think of. quotes are great. hahaha.

day 14.15

day 14.
what did you eat today.
well frankly i have not blogged in some time.
sooo i don't remember what i ate on this day.
but i can GUARANTEE you.
it was not healthy.
and most definitely exceeded my calorie limit.

day 15.
what do i look for in a guy.
  • someone who makes me laugh.
  • someone that doesn't act gay around his friends.
  • someone that isn't just in it to get some.
  • someone that laughs with me.
  • someone i can act like an idiot in front of.
  • someone that likes my friends.. and doesn't just sit and bash on them.
  • someone that accepts the fact that i have dance errryday.
  • someone that gets over the fact that i like dance more than i will ever like them. haha kidding.. sorta.
  • someone that understands me.. and doesn't try to change me.
  • someone that loves me. for me.
  • many  others. but that'll do for now. eh.

day 13.

video i would normally watch on the tube of yous.
ps. skipped day 12. it was too borrrrrring.
haha more like i didn't want to upload pictures. so wa wa waaa.

luam errrryday.
sickest girl dancer..

day 11.

11.silly picture.
silly is a weird word.

this picture gets me every time. hahahahaha.

day ten.

dayyy ten. a letter to a crush. ex. what ever.
(this is sincere.. haha so don't think i am just being a smart a.)

to an ex.
thank you for everything.
lets be honest.
i thought you were it. ha... those nights just laughing.. and living it up. cause i thought it would last.
it all ended so quickly.
you taught me to never give up.
to know there is so much more than there seems to be.
and taught me that no matter how much it seems like you were my world. you weren't. and i can move on.
thank you for showing me that there is soo much more to be happy about.
"you leaving me does not make me bitter or cynical towards love but rather teaches me that if i wanted to be with the wrong person so much how happy i would be when the right one came along"
most people may think they know who this is to.. but supprisingly.. i bet it's not who most would think.
but hey.
thank you for making me laugh.
and for the fun memories and nights.
thank you for everything, i wish i could say this to your face.
but frankily im not in a position where i could because..
well im a bit too scared.
but hey this helps me.
thank you for screwing me over.
you taught me how strong i am.
taught me that i have so much strength within me to keep going, even when it sucks.
that when the whole school looks at you like your a joke cause you just got screwed over.. that there is real people, true friends, and a whole lot of them that care soo much.
much more than our relationship was worth.
so thanks.
good life lessons you havee taught me for sure..
i hope some day you'll realize what you've done.
you've taught a girl... that things are better without you.
so thank you.
i appreciate everything.
and hope to talk to you someday like i once have.
but until then.. i'll keep smiling.. because i can.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

day 9.

A picture of me when i was young.

i'm from compton.
and i'm black.
ha. i don't have any on my computer.. clearly.
and im far to lazy to go scan one.
soo this'll do.

Monday, May 23, 2011

here's to them.

here's to the.
  • girls that always seem to be the underdog.
  • girls who are mistaken for a flirt when they are friendly, The ones who are mistaken for a bitch when they are blunt. Mistaken for sad when they are so alone. The ones mistaken for shy when they can't put together their thoughts into words. The ones that people they assume they know but have never been given a chance. 
  • girls that keep a smile even though they are going through hell.
  • girls who used to be his number one.
  • The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cellphone the next morning and be disappointed.
  •  The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.
  • Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.
  • Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.
  • Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their best outfit, only to hear him say that he couldn't see them today.
  • The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else.
  • This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".
  • Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt.
  • The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces
  • Here's for us girls who finally realize they deserve better.
One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.
It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

day ocho.

perfect date.

uhmm well due to dates i have been on.. not many haha but still. most have been the most awkward wanting to go home and cry nights of my life.
hahahaha.. if you've heard my story.. you'd understand.

but like it depends. cause its different if i actually know the person or if it is a complete stranger.
but either way.
star watching.
what ever.
laid back..
nothing to pressureful? (thats not a word in case you were wondering)
sounds fun to meee.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

day 7.

a person that has passed away will always be with you.

i've lost quite a few family members.
it would be impossible to narrow it down..
so here's to
Grandma Madsen,
Gradma Whittle,
Grandma Anderson,
Grandma Gessel,
Uncle Elrey, (we got ben and jerry's in memory of you yesterday)
and so many others.
I am who i am because of you.
I feel your arms around me,
giving me the strength to keep going.
The days pass and i remember the memories we have had together.. and the peace they give me.
i know you are with me, watching over us all.
Never Forget.

day. six.

6. biggest struggle you've overcome.

sheesh. ha weird what comes to my head.. but to not get over the top teenage girl sob story..
I'd probably go with my body.
not in a "oh im a fat girl" way.
haha but the past three years i have gotten more frustrated than anyone could even imagine because my body decides to fall apart.
dance; my passion. becomes the hardest thing for me.
to know that my knees can't function properly.
and my bones decide to give up regularly.
recently my heart decides to feel like im being stabbed.
those are the main ones.. that pile on top of the little pains throughout class all day, every day.
it gets old...
to say the least.
nights that i just sit and cry hoping i could dance without wanting to cry right then and there.
now that im done complaining.
ha i've learned that what i have is mine.. and i can't change that.
maybe God's trying to teach me something..
but all i can do is try and make the best of it..
cause if not.. what? i sit and dwell upon it for the rest of the years i dance.
yeah right.
i might not be the strongest one out there.
but i have more passion to keep going than anyone would believe.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

Friday, May 20, 2011

day five. im stranded.

who with.
ten things.

I would be with Mallory and Heatherlynn.
why? cause we can talk foreverrrr. literally.
and everytime we are together we never have enough time.
I never get sick of being with them.. not just because we are family.. but best friends.

ten items.
1. food.
2. food.
3. like the basics. tent. blankets, pillow.. what ever you need?
4. camera.
5. endless notebooks and pens. (gotta doodle.)
6. chapstick.
7. food.
8. did i say food.? can't get petersons together without food.
9. ipods... and speakers. that work on the island.. that never die.
10. food? ha.ha.

day four.

day quatro.
A picture of something that makes you happy.

due to the fact that i hate every picture of myself...
haha.. i chose this.
took it at camp shalom two years ago.. where i have made one of my very best friendships.. and more memories than any one location could possibly hold.
to know that the sun will rise each day.. and no matter what is going on in my life.. it will all be ok.
to know that life goes on.

day threeeee. el chalenge.

three. day.
top ten biggest pet peeves.
(not in order)

1. when people eat loud.
2. when people don't close their mouth when they eat.
3. when i tell people i hate feet then they put theirs on me? really?
4. when people try to out grinch quote me. haha drives me insane.
5. slutttty annoying convention dance girls.
6. when people don't say what they really think
7. when people curl their hair and wear sweats? hahaha.
8. when people say "OH I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING" "k tell me.." "oh.. i can't tell later" like really.. that is the only thing i think of from then on.
9. fake girls./ kiss ups.
10. when girls try to impress senior boys.. well and girls for that matter.. HA HA. (what happens when they are gone next year? weird.)

sure it's easy to run away.

I am sixteen.. well almost seventeen years old..
and i feel like i am mature.ish.
mature enough to have learned that you can't run away from your problems.
as much as you think you can, or feel like you can't handle it.
buck up. you can.
It is sooo easy to walk out on people...
anyone can get in a car and drive forever.. or walk away from anything,.
but when you want to come back and you have hurt the people you've left more than you could ever imagine.. and it hurts like hell...
one thing i ask you to remember is..
remember you brought this upon yourself. you did this.
People don't realize the impact one stupid decision can make.
it can change a life, relationship, trust.. anything forever.
"there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain  people and their crap"
you can burn bridges easy..
which causes people to build walls just as quickly.
some days seem like they will never end.
some days i don't know what to think anymore.
gotta keep movin along.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

feeble days.

I feel so weak.
don't know what it is..
but i do.
The days when your ready to throw in the towel
and walk away from it all.
but you know...
Most times, thats not an option. well more like all the time.
So to all my fellow weaklings.
When life gives you a thousand reasons to cry.
Show life you have a million reasons to smile.
This is mainly to myself..
but incase any of you want the next two weeks to be done..
 well... right about now.
remember that we are at the last stretch.
we wll never get this time back..
no regrets.
Anyone can give up.. it's the easiest thing in the world to do. 
But to hold it together, even when everyone would understand if you lost it.
that is strength.
My good friend elder misbach.. haha shares quotes with me... and he told me that one of his and his mom's favorites was.
"In the midst of winter i found within me an invicible summer"
(now in my top ten favorite quotes.)
so here is to the the last hooorah. (my mom always says that)

day two.

2. favorite song and why.
uhmm.. there are so many its a joke to try and pick one.
but here are some constants that keep me going.
(walk away-ben harper definite on the list.. but i recently posted that.. so decided to not again.)
1. hometown glory. adele...
yeah pretty self explanitory.. she's insane.
2. on my mind. kalai.
uhmm brings back way to many memories.. gets me through the long nights.
3. send me on my way. rusted root.
haha.. i just love this song. and matilda is where its at... so like yeah. haha.
these are like my slowerrish. favorites. but there is a millionjakabajillion on my list of favorite songs.
and yes that is a number.

Monday, May 16, 2011

day 1. the challenge.

[Write about your best friend.]
uhmm not one. several.

1. mrs. rosie.. This girl has gone through more than anyone could imagine, but yet she's still going. She works hard at everything she does, and is one of the sweetest most sincere caring person you will ever meet. We are together majority of the day between school and dance, and yes we do get sick of each other.. haha but i know she will always be there. I love you rosie, and thank you for the encouragement to never give up.

2. My dance team. Kira, Ellie, Jakelle, Syd, Madi, Sid, Cc, Tiff, Rosie, Steph, and Kyla. I would do anything for anyone of these girls. We spend more hours together than we do apart. We go though it all. Every secret, every boy, ever sad day, every joy. everything. I don't know where i would be without them, they truly inspire and make me who i am. Love you girls so much.

3. Derrick. haha i had to. Who would have known. Most people don't see how things are really, but i don't mind that. No matter how cliche you may think it is.. he really has made me want to be a better person,. He makes me laugh when i don't want to.. (i hate it) but the fact that we just sit and laugh at how stupid we are really does make me so happy. I would do anything for him.. and i'm so glad things have turned out the way they have. "That which does not conquer you only makes you stronger" He puts up with more than most would know, and i look up to him so much. I love you so much(:

4. my lonnie stu.
haha tears just came to my eyes. i could not ask for a better little sister. Honestly. ha she drives me insane.. INSANE. haha but i love her soo much. She listens to all of my stories no matter how stupid they are and shows me what sincerity is. I love you stuie.. and thanks for being not just blood.. but someone i will always be able to turn to.

5. Ashley leah larsen.
ha well.. from the good times to the bad... best friends since seventh grade. Things have kinda changed lately.. but i would do anything for this girl. Through the tears and the peeing our pants.. she is what a true friend is.. I call her my mom.. haha but like she really is. In the way she cares and always wants to make me happy. I love you ash and no matter what happens you will be my best friend.

6. Cassidy Amy.
hahaha oh man.
The things we do. The thing that i love soo much about my friendship with cassidy, is that we do crazy things together... but yet have hour conversations about reallllll life stuff. I love this girl and when we decided we were twins.. i really do believe it. We are so much alike.. and she knows how to understand my unsaid words.. She helps me through the tough times, and is there for all my joys. I love you cass.. and i don't know what i would do without you.. honestly.

7. Lacey Brooke.
at this point a lot has changed between us.. but when it comes down to it.. you are my best friend.. and always will be. The memories we have... haha we could make a book out of. oh wait we have. You are a genuine person.. that cares about me.. honestly with all of your heart. and i appreciate that more than you know. You come off to be strong and confident.. and most don't know what you have gone through to get there.. i look up to you for that.  I love you and i will be there every step of your way. Graduation means nothing.

These girls. (and boy) haha mean soo much to me. Whether i am close with them right now or things have somewhat changed.. i consider them family.. and know i could count on them for anything. I love you guys.. and will stand by you forever.

awake my soul.

rid your life of those that bring you down.
keep your head up.
smile when the tears start coming.
know there will be tomorrow.
remember bad days come to everyone.
stand up for yourself.
cheer for the underdog.
open up. no matter how much it requires of you.
stay up all night. you can sleep when your dead.
no regrets.
never forget those that have made you become who you are. whether good or bad.
be confident.
be true to yourself.
be a sincerely nice person.
never settle for anything less than you deserve.
realize the reasons to smile and keep going out weigh the reasons to give up.
it doesn't matter how slow you go.. as long as you never give up.
let love in.
choose to see the world through optimistic eyes.
be patient. no matter how bad it sucks. ha.
turn your cant's into can's and dreams into plans.
destiny is in your hand.
with determination, you can become what ever you wish.

story of my life.jmayer style.

john mayer lyric mashup.
the life of Annie version.
I was born in the arms of imaginary friends. free to roam. been driving round town for awhile. playing with the thought of leaving. But this morning there's a calm i can't explain. By the time i recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. But i will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on. I will wait to find if this will last forever. But i will waste no time, worried bout no rainy weather. But when autumn comes, it doesn't ask. it just walks in, where it left you last. And you never know when it starts, until there's a fog inside the glass around your summer heart. And look at those stars, don't they remind  you of how feeble we are? Just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change, and I've done all i can, now I'm starting to see, maybe its got nothing to do with me. But gravity is working against me, and gravity wants to bring me down. Oh gravity stay the hell away from me. Who says i can't be free? from all of the things that i use to be. Re-write my history, who says i can't be free. Lightning strikes inside my chest to keep me up at night. I dream of ways to make you understand my pain. Watch my face as i pretend to feel no pain. but i cant break through it all. Just when i had you off my head your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quite bed. You say you wanna try again but I've tried everything but giving in. All we ever do is say goodbye, i Love you more than songs an say but i can't keep running after yesterday. Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare. I'm trying my best to understand all that your love can bring.. oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation half of my heart takes time. Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that i can't keep loving you with half of my heart. I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else, showing me another way and all that my love can bring. But i can only fall short for so long. Down the road, later on you will hate that i never gave more to you than half of my heart. We'll Be dreaming ways to keep the good alive.. but in the morning i will say good-bye again. I'm not running, I'm not scared, i am waiting and well prepared.. I'm in the war of my life at the door of my life, out of time and there's no where to run. If fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will. All the suffering and all the pain never left a name. I've got no choice but fight til it's done. I'm in life's shades of gray, and have been waiting for a break in the clouds. How come to only way to know who high you get me is to see how far i fall? Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar. Someday I'll be so damn much more, cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for. Ant there are times i lose my worried mind. Would you want me when I'm not myself. Colors change for no good reason and words will go. And i, in time, will come around. I always do for you, suppose i said you're my saving grace. Do you know me at all? Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than i love you is lying. went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees, asked the lord for mercy, said help me if you please.

but its time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.

Oh ben harper do you have a way with words.

Walk away.
Oh no, here comes that sun again, That means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself

And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. But sometimes.. Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away.
With so many people to love in my life. Why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness.You put the good times into my fun
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say but sometimes, Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
We've tried the goodbye so many days. We walk in the same direction, So that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody.. Then you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you, than live in this pain and misery
They say time will make all this go away.. But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down. And once again you my friend are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away.
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

won't you never give up.

people will take so many opportunities to knock you down.
may that be the reason to keep your head up. even if it is it the only reason you can find.

care or don't.

I guess its just getting old to hear people say
"I'll always be there for you"
if you care.
show you care.
don't make others doubt whether you will be there for them in the end.
know who you are and don't make others question you.

This is your life.
you don't have to prove anything to anyone,
but in the end there are people you truly do care about.
don't let them slip through because of their doubt.
life is short,
don't waste time worrying about what others think about you.
Hold on to the ones that care.
and in the end they will be there.
actions speak louder then words.

always remember that.
you can tell someone you love them for days and years of your lives.
but until you prove it
it means absolutely nothing.
do not make people fear to care to much,
because of the doubt they have of your care.
in the end.. it ruins people.
don't leave them questioning.
care or not.

but prove it.

life is inevitable.

pain is to seeing as beauty is to feeling
love is an ability, not an emotion
attraction is an opinion
faith is nothing, it's the hope for something
believing is not seeing, it's trust
there is no truth
it's relative
nothing is nothing. it is simply the absence of something
life is a test
morality is a choice
god is a belief to give reason to try
trying is hoping for something better
to be better is to be great
but in theory aren't we all great
complaining is a form of insecurity
one is lazy because one is afraid
fear is a prison characterized as an emotion
adaption is a talent
acceptance is a rarity
class does not choose where you belong, integrity does.
anger is to be lost as love is to be found
life is inevitable

move along.

Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable,
spark in the hopeless swaps of the
not quite,
not yet,
and the not at all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish in the lonely frustration
for the life you deserved
and have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won.
it exists.
it is real.
it is possible.
it is yours.

-Ayn Rand

Friday, May 6, 2011

my girls.

though high school is dramatic..
and there seem to be more bad days than good..
tdt is the reason i go to school.
most times i got to tdt then leave, cause that's the only class i actually like.
yes we get frustrated and annoy each other but i would do anything for any of these girls.
Last night at concert made me realize that.
after an injury during dress rehersal concert was going rougher than i would have hoped..
got a blessing during intermission, and having my team surround me and be the strongest support system i could have asked for cheering me on was soo cool. an amazing experience.
Losing the seniors this year is soo sad because they are some of my best friends..
but ahh. the memories will stick with us all forever(:
so here is to our last concert together.
may we...well.. kill it(: