Monday, January 30, 2012
For good days bring positive thoughts, that I can look back on when I don't feel as strong.
I say it over and over, I am aware don't worry..
but sometimes life does go to shit,
and there isn't many things left that you can turn to.
And sometimes the road seems so confusing, and ultimatley just not worth enduring..
but that is when you have to block out everything but your own thoughts.
Once you realize how many of the negative things that are coming into your head, aren't yours.. you realize how your path clears up.
Maybe not completly, but the haze of the day will rise a little, and the hope you hold will keep your endurance strong.
Lately I've noticed my reliance to others, and how big of a role people play in my life.
It would be nice to believe that everyone of them will stay where they are for the rest of my life, but reality is that won't stay true. I have placed myself in the arms of others, which has been my saving grace through some of the hard times lately.. But what happens when they aren't there anymore? What happens when you wake up and you are the only thing you have? Your heart, your mind, your soul. Not what others think you are worth, not the support others are willing to lend, Nothing. Just you. For me it didn't turn out so well, and i found myself more lost than i could have imagined.
"its like screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed. That someone can be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, but nothing can save you. Then when its over, and its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good."
Just playing over and over in my head.. and it was sad how true it rang. I felt ashamed that i meant nothing to myself without these certain people in my life.. but there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. And SO bad did i wish i could have it all back. All the pain, all the misery, every bad thing.. just so i could experience a glimpse of the good.
And that my friends, is sad. And here i am telling you, how pathetic I felt.. because I know now that it'll be okay. That through all the things thrown my way, I can and will push through it. I don't care now that if it is on my own. I don't care if my shoulder is the only one i have to cry on. I don't care what I have to do, but failure isn't an option. The second you let the thought of giving up into your head is the second you fail. The second you no longer have self worth because you have loaned it to someone to hold and they let you down, is when you loose yourself. It's sad when you feel like there is no trust in your life. Not a single person to trust and lean on, and I'd like to believe that it will change. But as for me, my life, my high school life, I am all I need to pull through anything. It may have taken a little convincing, and major reality checks of what matter to me.. but here i am.
Come what may.
"I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are."
- who you are.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Their critiques can only get to you as much as you let them into your head.
They can only knock you down as far as you are willing to fall.
if you don't stand up for yourself, that gives them the power and authority to knock you down lower than you would be willing to go other wise.
a compromise made, is an opportunity lost.
stand up for yourself, cause frankly nobody is going to do it for you.
you might feel like you are fighting the battle on your own,
but you're strong enough to win it.
It's the voices you are letting inside your head that are telling you, you can't.
you can and will.
block it out and move forward with your head up.
i can and i will.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I Annie, am terrified of needles.
I walked into the lab repeating,
'I'm going to die' over and over.
And all the nurse had to say was,
'Please don't do it in my chair'
Gee thanks for the reassurance.
But ladies and gentlemen.
Too bad the hospital didn't have any of those 'I survived shirts'
Oh well. Go team Annie! I'm so proud.
anything can work out.
i can't vouch for that more.
for the past bit, i've been so mad.. thinking things wouldn't turn up.
and they did.
i guess only God knows how, because it still blows my mind.
but i don't really even care to know, just knowing that there is a way for everything..
is just what i need.
never give up.
i promise it pays off in the end.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Please remain seated till the ride comes to a complete stop. Release your lap bars and exit to your left. Thank you for riding... life.
It all comes to an end... in the end.
Deactivated my Facebook for the time being...and it feels damn good.
if I knew what was even going on anymore I'd be really grateful. But like that'd be easy.. and that's just so unrealistic.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I am sitting on the inside of an oh so foggy window.
gazing through the blur, watching my life fall apart right before my eyes.
I pound, I scream, I cry, for me to hear myself.
I watch relationships catch wind and float to the skies, right past my head.
My hand crashes upon the cold glass.
My hopes are floating above my head, but I can't get myself to look up.
What is going on?
Can I even hear me anymore? Or have I become immune to it all?
I continue to watch it all drift away, in hopes that the window will soon become a door.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The inner fight of whether to hold on or let go is the hardest fight of them all..
But I'll tell you this much... don't try to let go of something you know your nowhere near over for temporary happiness.
I realized what I want.. and I'm afriad I already lost it.
If you care show it.
even if you feel like you are making a fool of yourself. Then at least you know you tried.
I'll hold on till there is a reason to let go.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
When you have to say "don't" to yourself to make yourself keep from crying.
How many things can go wrong before the odds are in your favor and they go right.
Everything is falling apart.
Saturday= quality HP time.
Oh and MySpace pics.
Gotta keep yourself smiling somehow.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
i'll be straight up... i keep a journal so i don't have to remember these things.
but it'll be fun to see what i remember off the top of my head.
January.-started the year off with the best friends. danced a lot like normal.
February.- competition season started and sodc definitely represented well.
March.- got together.
April.- cabin visit. prom with a best friend.
May.- birthday.. the best friends threw me a great party. and graduation came.
i knew things would change but it's crazy just how much.
June.- prepared for nationals like crazy, and the boy left for kansas.
July.- Nationals in California. last nationals, which wasn't planned, but a great week.. well a great dance week. lost some close friends. Job at Magster.
August.- Work. work. work. and the shocking decision to quit the studio. started the much anticipated senior year.
September.- homecoming with ryan. and still working.
October.- Sadies with sam, and a group of the best friends.
November.- stillll working. i don't remember much else. performed at one football game.. haha. due to being sick for the other.
December.- basketball performances, dance concert. work. christmas break. and a very relaxed new years eve.
so basically that summary would show that my year was boring.
but it wasn't.
i learned that it is hard to make your own decisions.. but doing what is best for you.
is what is best for you. haha imagine that.
i learned that it is easy to shut off when crap comes your way. but there is people who care.
i learned that people come along in your life to help you, and you can lean on them when necessary.
i learned that you can get hurt.. but it will all turn out in the end.
i learned that i'm ready for what ever comes my way, and i'm extremely excited for this upcoming year.
setting goals and creating new ambitions is one of my favorite things.
bring it on two.thousand.twelve.
no backing down.