Sunday, July 31, 2011

hick central. yallll.

Grover, Wyoming: Population 120
Percent of population that have mullets: 82%
The other eighteen being horses, or babies that don't have long enough hair yet.
And for the record, we aren't talking about the "oh I'm a cute boy in high school that thinks I'm cool with a mullet" I'm talking the nappy, haven't brushed it in weeks, probably haven't showered this month, mullet.
Home Sweet Home.
Where you get dirt instead of side walks,
Four wheelers instead of cars,
Horses everywhere,
Cowboy hats on every head,
The aroma of... dirt,
A total of maybe 10 restaurants within a 30 minute drive. (and that's pushing it.)
One bowling alley (biggest hit in town)
and two grocery stores, that close at six.. well seven on the weekends.. these folks work crazy late.
Where everyone waves to everyone like they are best friends,
Where the size of your house doesn't define who you are,
the amount of crap (if i may say) outside your house doesn't make you "white trash"
and your "next-door neighbors" are within maybe a mile or so.
Where you pick a trial on your four wheeler, and hope to get back to the main road within a hour or so.
Where you drive down the road and smell campfire consistently,
and have dirt on your face... always.
Where the parade "floats" are falling apart, and throw out so much candy that after the parade ended the streets were still filled with candy that no one wanted, because they already have enough.
Where you hear jokes like "You dropped your pocket mam'" or "Your socks untied" in the parking lot..
and the new addition "You ready to bolt like troy bolten"
Where flannel, and overalls are where it's at,
and if your hair isn't frizzy, in a mullet, or a french braid down the back, you look like a fool.
Where the cashiers all ask you "You here for the derby?!" like it's the event of a life time.
If you don't get the point..
Wyoming is the greatest place... ever.
Good week? I'd say so.
y'all hear? haha

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

perfection infection.

In a world that judgements are common.
Jumping to conclusion is ordinary.
Judging a book by it's cover is what is taught.
Normal is good, and very few fall into that category.
Skinny is right,
Beauty is make up.
In a world that no one gets a real chance.

so when do we stop.
The girl that wears the same shirt everyday may have a father that lost his job months ago.
The far to skinny girl was once called fat and can't get that thought out of her head.
The boy that never talks, has a home where he gets yelled at if he says one word.
The alcholic never had anything or anyone to turn to through the hard times, so he found the wrong thing.
The drug addict that has been trying to stop for years but can't no matter how much he has lost, how much it is literally killing himself.
The kid that turns to drugs in high school because he has never had parents that care.

The people that surround us everyday, that are too afraid to say anything because they are ashamed they aren't perfect. They don't feel anything anymore, because of what they have chosen to fit YOUR standards. So when do you stop and think about what your saying, or who you are befriending.. or maybe the opposite. When do you drop the perfect outlines, and realize people are human. Nobody is perfect, no matter how hard you try. So why are you holding these outlines above every ones heads. You have to be this way, weigh this much, have this amount of money, have this many boys want you, to be apart of my life. Be aware of who you are hurting. People make mistakes, and maybe one person is looking for your acceptance. That is all they need, to know that to you they are "perfect" or maybe just alright.. That they don't have to hide behind these walls, stigmas, personalities. That they can be them, you can be you, and together be alright.

half full i guess.

I don't believe God dropped you off and said "Here's life, it's gonna be easy. Have fun"
I don't believe anyone told you it wouldn't hurt when you fell. That you wouldn't hesitate to open up to people, when your heart was previously broken. That you would never fight with your parents, and siblings. That every relationship you had would be perfect. That your best friends would always be there for you, no matter what. That when you told someone your secrets, they wouldn't go tell everyone else. That people wouldn't take your spot in someones life. That it would be easy.

Though it isn't easy, you have to keep in mind the big picture.
That God dropped you off to a family that would be one of your biggest support systems throughout your life. That when you fell and it left a scar, that scar says "it may have hurt like a mother.. but i survived." That when you hesitate to open up to people, the one person will come along that you will never question opening up to, because you know they are the one. That when you fought with your parents and siblings, it would make you realize what you have, and what you wish to never loose. That every relationship would teach you, and reveal a new part of yourself you had never met before. That God would give you a new relationship when you need it most, when the person you thought was your best friend, proves they weren't. That you learn who you can trust, and who you shouldn't. That there is a reason why someone was only apart of your past, and your future contains new relationships, lessons, and memories.

That it wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


The loss of something becomes more detrimental than you wish.
Searching in desperation, wishing that what you have lost would be apart of your life, once more.
You attach to the next thing that resembles what you have lost, because you notice the familiarity.
You still realize the absence in your life, though attatching to smiliar things seem to make it easier for the time being.
You are so familiar with the feeling of loss.
You become attatched on extreme  measures.
 If you were to loose it twice, you would feel more alone than you did the first time, because of having experienced this emotion before.
You wish things would never change, that you would be able to hold on to the relationships forever,
For once they are lost, you know they are gone.
No matter how much you try to fool yourself,
 they aren't coming back.
And when you begin to feel comfortable, and that your loss is manageable, life happens,
and the cycle repeats once more.

happy clean slate day!

I am not exempt to using excuses, but it seems the commonality is growing for people in my life, to use excuses as their language of choice. I am so sick of it. 'i can't do this or that because of what happened twenty and a half years ago, i can't do that cause i never was taught that way growing up, i can't wear that cause someone didn't compliment me on it when i wore it last year on may 23rd, i might as well just give up because that girl will always be better than me.' So what happens when twenty years down the line something doesn't work out for you? You gonna blame it on that day in 2011 that created the excuse that you couldn't do it? Like really? All i can say to you, is if you wanted something so bad that it was the only thing on your mind, you strive, live, breathe for it.. then you will find a way to make it happen. Guaranteed. Stop living a life of excuses. I don't know one person, that has dreams that have come easy for them, that they have been handed every single thing in their life.. but you know, maybe there is people like that out there.. and if so why the hell are you comparing yourself to them. When you are sitting there using excuse after excuse, comparing yourself, saying "if circumstances were different".. you know where your headed? Nowhere, and so unbelievably fast. And for you that want to live this way.. Good luck.  Circumstances will be an excuse for some, and motivation for others. The sun doesn't always shine, and optimism ain't always easy. In the end, all you can hope for is a better place than where you are at now. But here is to that day.. No, here is to today. The day when you set your sights high, and become so strong nothing will disturb you. Nothing will get in your way, and you will drop the excuses. Here is to giving that person that second chance they are in dyer need of, that you never gave because of what someone might think of you. Here is to being opened minded to people, experiences, and life, regardless of whether thats how you have been taught. Here is to wearing that shirt that you love more than life, even if someone said it was ugly. Here is to forgetting about all the reasons why you can't and remembering the reason.. even if it is only one, why you can. Peace hate. Peace excuses. Peace regret. Peace negativity. and good freaking riddins.
Todays the day.

Monday, July 18, 2011

lead not the common path.

As the writer sits, and scribes her story.
Four walls surrounding, withered carpet, dented walls.
Nothing more than necessary.
As the pen glides, she attempts to explain her thoughts, feelings, the story she calls her own.
Her critics crowd her mind, and invade her thoughts.
a trip down memory lane.
Searching for words that will connect with her readers,
anything that will make her feel alive, and open; open to the world..
a people pleasing life, hoping someone will commend her, for her work.
A feeling crosses.
Haze, and confusion.
as she questions her future.
Questions if this process is for her, if it is worth it to keep going.
As she puts the pen down and decides there is more to her; more to life.
She finds that this confined space she has found herself in, is not her.
She is trying her hardest to explain, justify, and prove herself to those around her.
There is more to life than trying to fit in with those around yourself.
Trying to fit others puzzles, when your edges are far more unique than theirs.
For the writer saw a glimpse of her life, and decided its time for a new page in her story.
One that flows, is comfortable, is her.
As she feels the breath of fresh air, she rises above the rest.
But at times she may not always be blessed with the knowledge of where her path is leading.
and the time approaches where she shuffles, and treads along. 
She forces herself to take one more step into the unknown.
And maybe this near impossible step she took, is finally the first step in the right direction.
Maybe it will all turn up from here, and the road she now paves, is the one for her.
but maybe it isn't,
but at this point, what does the writer have to loose?
The page turns as she continues to walk, and maybe the pen will be picked up once more down the road. 
But maybe it won't be, for the writer has found a new meaning.
For the writer has been found.

day seven.

four turn offs.

1. eating loud... ahh. freaks me out.. so sick.
2. being cocky/ constantly talking about yourself.
3. bashing on other people.. especially my friends.
4. swearing consistently. for no apparent reason.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

what up thug. what up gangsta.

my blogs a mess.

day six.

five people that mean a lot.

1. Steviee. If there is anyone that has ever believed in me, and my team more than ever.. it would be her. She gives her life to a group of girls, that have a common dream. She gives every hour to help us, to shape us to become who we wish to be. I could never say thank you enough to her, and i don't think she will know how much her listening ear, good heart, and care have given me.

2. Cassidy. Though things have changed and words like these would mean a lot more if things were different. This girl means more to me than she will ever know. If there is anyone that would give anything it took of themselves to be there for someone, it would be her. She would drop anything for anyone, though she rarely gets it in return. She has gone through more shit than most teenage girls in orem, utah go through, and i know its hard for her to turn to people that won't think differently of her. But she does it. She's strong and has always been there for me, and that means so much to me.

3. Mallory. This girl is my rock. who i look up to, who i know would be there for me, if i needed her. She always listens to my drama, heart break, drama, and drama.. She helps me through so much and i honestly don't even think she realizes it. She is so strong in what she believes it amazes me, and she honestly makes me want to be a better person.

4. Cody. Though he's not in orem nearly enough.. i could never ask for a better older brother. He is overly protective which becomes slightly annoying, but i know he means well. He always tells me that he's trying to be a better brother, but i don't think he understands that he is already the best brother anyone could ask for. I love him and look up to him, and consider him my very best friend.

5. This brother... I don't mention him much, but lately i realized how much i love having him around. He gives the best advice. and is freaking funny. Though i hate that he tickles me and i can't do anything about it, he has the biggest heart you will ever find. People don't understand him.. and it makes me realize how blessed i am to have friends that will listen, understand, and think no differently of me.. and he doesn't have that. He has gone through soo much shit.. ha it blows my mind.. and i know there's times it's a lot for him to handle.. but he keeps his head up and pushes through every last trial.. and i am so proud of him for that.. i love him and he means the world to me. not having him around would suck, so hopefully he doesn't move out anytime soon, cause i need my best friend, music lover, raping gangster, dancing thug around. haha love that kid.

day five.

six things you wish you'd never done.

1. wish i never discovered farrs.
2. wish i would have realized who wasn't planning on being a part of my life for very long.. so i wouldn't have made them a priority.
3. wish i would have opened up to certain people.. because my lack of trust is what made me loose them.
4. wish i would have never deleted those texts.
5. wish i would have told him how i honestly felt.. instead of keeping it to myself.
6. wish i would have never lost my best friends.

day four.

seven things that often cross my mind.

1. ahhh this song would be sick to do a dance to.
2. i want farrs.
3. why am i so sore.
4. how does my room get dirty so quickly.
5. i should start dressing less like a boy. (that thought leaves as quickly as it comes)
6. what if everything was like how it was sophmore year.. (friends.. boys.. everything.)
7. why do people post so many things on facebook everyday. (if you post more than like two status's a day.. unless its great news.. you most likely bug me... haha...)

day three.

been out of town. no service/internet.. so not my fault im behind.

eight ways to win mahhh heart.

1. you don't necessarily have to have a love for dance.. but rather respect it.

2. if you know  how to dance.. any type. but mainly hip.hop... and are good at it.. yeessss sirrr.

3. respect your parents, but more importantly your mother, and sisters. if a girl can see that you would make a good father.. obviously she's gonna dig you.

4. uhmm be ok with the fact that i listen to the same music over and over.

5. take me on cute dress up dates. (my brother and theo use to do this.. just because they had been together for so long.. and of course there was no more.. prom or homecoming or what ever.. and it seriously was the cutest thing everrr)

6. love the grinch. you bash on it. your gone.

7. maybe occasional flowerrrs. what girl wouldn't love that.

8. trust me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

day numbered two.

nine things about me myself and i.
i've done this so many times.. so imma try to think of different ones..

1. i didn't get a cell phone till i was sixteen years old. and yes it sucked. and yes i still have the same exact phone that i had then.

2. i want to be a writer or a public speaker (on the side of dance that is..) when i am older.. but i get incredibly nervous speaking in front of people.. to the point that i turn red, and my voice cracks.

3. i could never/will never set an alarm that doesn't end with a three or seven. (example. 7:33.. 6:47.. if you got confused.)

4. i love dragonflies.. but they freak me out when they charge towards me.

5. i have a book of secrets that the day i fill completely, is the day i will burn it.

6. i become overly attached to people.. not in a like close, be near me way.. but rather if i lose them.. i have a hard time coping.

7. i write songs.. and poems. haha not the like teenage "you broke my heart... im crushed" drama songs.. haha but just about anything and everything..

8. i can not wait for the day that i can decorate my own home.. interior designing would be such a cool career.. and i am constantly updating/making changes to my room.

9. i have two very serious goals that i will achieve.. first.. be able to sing  on pitch.. for like two words.. and second be able to sew. okkk.. so they aren't that serious.. but still i want both of those things so bad haha.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

how low can you go. how low can you go. pshh. pretty danggg low.

john mayer. my dear friend. you are the greatest friend i could ever ask for. thanks
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
as much as i hated the great gatsby.. i am more than ready to start living like them.
The carefree.. endless party.. what more could you ask for...
i'm down.
Why does the liar come out on top? The one who has wronged people.. the one that has lied, gone behind backs, been 2.faced. the one that doesn't care about anyone but themselves.. and what people think of them? like they win? they get the second chance. they get taken back.. pshhh.
but hey;  i guess.
if you have to prove yourself to someone.. they probably aren't worth it all that much anyways.

as of 2:06 pm. on tuesday july twelth, there is 6,948,543,391 people in the world.
why would i let a select few get me down.
 now all its going to take is a little convincing.. ha.

herrreee we go.

ten day motha.

i can do this one.
i can do it.
just like everyone else.. i can't finish a dang however many day challenge thing.
but ten days.
we'll just see i guesss.

day oneeee. ten things you wanna say to ten different people.

number 1. You are the one i look up to. the one i turn to, the person i could not go on with out. I know you believe in me, and i know you are doing everything possible to make my dreams come true. You are who i base myself off of. You teach me everyday, though i don't see you that often. You teach me how to be an individual, to go against the cliche of following the crowd. I just wish you could see how much you have helped me, and continue to do so.. What you are doing to yourself.. kills me.. but for however long i have you apart of my life i will consider myself the luckiest person alive. I love you and look up to you more than you will ever know.

number 2. i wish you could hear me pleading the truth. it rips me apart knowing whats happened between us. I hope and pray one day the truth will be out in the open.. and you will know what has gone on. Going on with how things are.. near impossible to be a little dramatic about it. but time will tell i guess.. just know i miss you. more than you can imagine.

number 3. Why do you know when im at my weakest.. my most questioning times.. and then you walk back in. do you know what your doing to me?

number 4. whats happened will never change.. but i will always love you...

number 5. You think you got me down. You think you found better. You think you knocked me off my game. More so you created a game for me.. You put this plan in my head (inception haha.) to be better than before. To come out on top. To not let you and your childish games get in my way.. In the way of my dreams, my goals for myself.. You know.. someday i hope you realize that you lost out on something great. Not in the cocky im so great way.. but rather.. we could have gone far together.. We both could have come out on top.. but you know.. now it just might be me. and im ok with that.

number 6. I hope all is well where you are. I know it's hard and i know you probably feel more alone than you ever did. But if all i can do is prove to you that i care, regardless of whats gone on.. i will be successful. I'm proud of you, and i hope your life can turn around.. i really do. I love you.. and am cheering for you every step of your way.

number 7. You were my other half. My cheerleader. My support system. My role model. My best friend. Your choices were the biggest shock to me. The way things changed so quickly.. I'm not telling you you've changed and this or that.. but always remember you were someones role model.. and when you lied to yourself and everything you ever stood for.. it didn't just bring you down.. miss you..

number 8. never forget. i love you.

number 9. thank you for being the one i can fall back on. the one i always do.. regardless of how ungrateful i am towards you for your friendship you have never let me down. You somehow get me in a way i will never understand but i appreciate it more than you will ever know. You always have found a way to put me first.. and when you had others apart of your life.. i got soo jealous.. ha but you had my back then.. and now. and i just needed to realize that. I love you.. and know that you are one person i will stick around with for many more yearrss. love youuu.

number 10. i'm going to prove you wrong. i'll be sure of it... even if it sends me to the graves.. saying what you have said was a big mistake....

Monday, July 11, 2011

there is such thing as pathological liars. ps.

if all you can give is the benefit of the doubt.
you owe them that.
if that is the absolute least you can do.
don't jump to conclusions.
don't act like you know.
don't base things off the past.
don't tell people what they act like.
don't act like you are apart of someones life that you aren't.
don't talk ish to boost your high school status.
don't lie.

el fin.

i don't have a choice, but i still choose you.

Hello blog.
It's been quite some time. So here's to an extremely long post of catching up.
This week has been just about every emotion you can experience all crammed into one, and i was perfectly ok with that. Sunday people arrived home which was exciting. Sunday night i left for good ol' Irvine California for la dance magic nationals... and boy was i ready. Things were going great and i was so happy to be with my closest friends that all have one common interest, that links us together in an incredible way. Drama struck, with news of three team members quiting.. Which was extremely hard, and did take a toll on our team.. but we didn't let that stop us from having the time of our lives. With trips to the spectrum center, cheesecake factory, late night gas station runs, walking everywhere, dancing our hearts out.. we got closer than ever. I got to stay with Steph, Danielle, and Kyla.. which was funnier than i could ever describe.. At the beginning of the week.. stuff back home came crashing down.. and goodbyes had to be said.. which took so much out of me, physically, emotionally, mentally.. pretty much everything. It was at this point that i realized why i dance. Why i do what i do every single day. Dance is my outlet, my freedom, it is me. I learned to trust. To trust the people who are in your life. Not the superficial relationships you have, but those who sincerely care about you. If it wasn't for steph, Danielle, and dance.. This week.. haha oh man. i don't even know.. honestly. Through the long talks with Danielle, to dancing with everything i had within me.. i made it, and I'm here. One of the classes i took was from Matt Dorame, my idol. He is the most incredible male dancer i have ever seen, and taking class from him all week, ahh.. what more could i ask for. But in his class he sat us down and told us about how all growing up he was the most amazing swimmer. He was six foot three, on swim team, dive team, and was progressing quickly. He was meant to swim, and everyone knew that. For him swim team didn't fulfill what he needed, so he started dancing. He was terrible, awkward, lanky, and didn't fit in anywhere. People tried to tell him to stop, and tried so hard to convince him swimming was a better option. And that's when he said to us, when the day comes that i die and go up and talk to God about my life.. He will probably ask me why i didn't follow my path to swim. I'll tell him thanks for all the check points, and for that talent he gave me to swim.. I'll explain to him that i knew i wasn't meant to dance, but its what i needed. I know i had to go against everything and everyone to get where i am, but i just needed to dance. And at that point he will say to me, Matt.. That is what i wanted you to do all along, thank you for following your heart. Boy did that hit home. Sometimes i feel like everyone and everything is going against me, and i know as a teenage girl.. many of us feel this way. It is so easy to get down, to loose trust in people, to realize who never was there for you, and realize there are people that will never care as much as you want them to. You will realize there is always someone that is better than you, someone that is going for the exact same dream as you, that will probably get it. You will come across more failure than success, more heartbreak than unconditional love. You will loose friends, best friends, boy friends.. people who you never thought you would lose.. but then they are gone. You will know that people won't believe the words you say, no matter how much you know in your heart your screaming the truth.. You will feel like you've got the world on your shoulders.. and i guess it's that point when you know how strong you are. What your dreams are, and the people you should surround yourself with. The ones that encourage you to follow your dreams.. The feeling of being so alone. The feeling of wanting something so out of reach. The feeling of looking for something, but your not sure what it is. The wanting, needing, desperation, to live. To be who you are meant to be. This week showed me a lot of what next year is going to be like. If i am on my own in my fight, i will make sure i am stronger than people will expect. If i am on my own.. i will know i can do it. The overwhelming sense of aloneness i came across this week was scary. Not having the people i use to turn to anymore. Not knowing what to do.. but then learning to turn to dance.. ahh. I know throughout life i will loose so much more.. but this week taught me what to do when this occurs. Dance, live, breathe, trust, know that life goes on.. and that the birds still sing.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

the father.

what we've done:
all that jazz.

but i'll have you know, i came to a relization this morning. I love my dad with all of my heart. Obviously i love my mom too, don't get me wrong.. but my father and i have had more than a rough relationship through the years. When i was little i was the definition of daddy's girl.. and then came my teenage years.. where the cliché came along.. to hate your parents.. haha and oh did i ever fall into that stage. Things happened, and i had a harder time with our relationship.. but lately i have realized the sacrafices my father makes for my family but specifically me. though the fatherly love comes off in harsh ways sometimes.. i couldn't be more greatful i have him in my life. When i look at him i know what i want my husband to be like. My dad can fix anything and everything.. and if he can't he sure as hell will figure it out in ten minutes, give or take. He is so protective.. which does get annoying at times, but i know he is just trying to keep me safe. I know that through his stuborn ways, swearing, and overly proctectiveness he sincerley just wants the best for me. I know that i don't tell him how much appreciate him enough.. but i don't know what i would do without him at this point in my life. Thanks for teaching me how to fish, how to unplug the shower drain, and clean carpet. Thank you for showing me all of your eighties music, and playing your guitar late at night when you think nobody is listening. Thank you for teaching me the ways of the outdoors, and how to plant a proper garden. Thank you for always getting my hydration pack ready for me, with frozen water and all. Thank you for cleaning my camp stuff when you know im dreading it. Thank you for letting me dance, you will never know how much it means. Thank you for playing trouble with me all growing up. Thank you for the bike rides, and teaching me how to play baseball like the boys.. and telling me that when we were in the batting cage "you were pitching the balls to me as fast as you were the boys" to boost my confidence. Thank you for inviting me to watch sahara with you on sundays, despite how sick of that movie i am. thank you for doing my laudry for me, when you know i will never get around to it. thank you for paying my phone bill. Thanks for showing me how to turn on the sprinklers, incase i ever want to run through them. Thanks for making me a pony tail holder out of rope, when we are working together. Thanks for asking me to come along and help you on jobs, and then paying me more money than someone would get payed for the week.. and acting like thats how much you pay people. Thank you for being my daddieooo. I love you sooo much dad. always have, always will. regardless.