Release.

 Moon Ceremonies have become a regular in my life, and i am so grateful i have the opportunities to do so. To celebrate life, to let go of the pain and things i don't need. To open up my life to new experiences, love, and happiness. Monday night i decided to be happy. To open my life up to as much happiness was possible. The past three days have been seriously the best ever.. making the conscious choice will truly change things. Watching the worries, pain, and memories of my past burn in the fire was relieving. I learned that I can decide how many times i smile a day. I can decide how much effort i put into my work. What level of honesty i can live. How well i prepare myself for school. How i can act on my feelings. How often i can say "thank-you". Whether or not you give someone the benefit of the doubt. How often you notice and appreciate small acts of kindness. How much i listen and learn instead of jumping to conclusions. How much time i spend worrying. How many new things i try each day. What amount of exercise i get. How often I think about my past. How grateful i am for life. Whether or not i communicate something that’s on my mind. How many times i admit i don’t know something—and then learn something new. When i ask for help. Which commitments i keep and cancel. How many risks i take. How creative/innovative i am. How quickly i try again after falling. How many times i say "i love you". This is my life. And i'm ready to learn. I'm thankful to be alive.

reconnection.

Dear friend,
I've missed you, to say the least.
Every time i see you, it brings tears to my eyes. There is still that enduring connection between us, that we somehow understand. Regardless of the past, and the misunderstood feelings.. there is nothing awkward or uneasy between us. There is nothing to explain, because you just seem to know. There isn't thoughts, or stories i feel like i need to catch you up on. They seem to be irrelevant to the level we get each other on. I know what i'm saying sounds weirdish. haha but i feel like you will understand. I couldn't be more grateful to have you back in my life, and it was good to hear we were both nervous. haha. I just want you to know, i will be eternally touched and grateful for our friendship. That i have someone that can see through my words into what i truly mean. That we have similar quirks, and find beauty in life. I love you, and can promise i will be here for you till the day i die. (after that too.. duh.) i love you so much. and know our friendship will grow more and more from here. thank you for getting me. i love you(:

if you think i'm scared. think again.

1. liars.
2. liars.
2.1/2. people that act like i'm the one lying.. to cover their lies.
3. people that deny their lies.
4. music stealers...
4.2. hypocrites.
5. doctors that don't know what they are talking about.
6. head aches
7. when people say "i'll own up to my crap.." but then they don't.
8. that i was about to forgive you.
9. that if i don't kiss peoples butts and be a people pleaser i turn into the "snobby" girl.
10. when you trust people.. tell them everything.. and then realize it wasn't worth it.
11. the fact that people don't just ruin my life.. but everyone elses. i can handle it.. but leave everyone else the heck alone.
12. that the bank isn't open.
13. that i lost all of my music.. and my ipod has not one song on it.
14. that people make light of things.. that aren't funny.?
15. that you are still lying. and talking crap...

it's sad that you trust people.
it's sadder that the one person that knew you didn't trust people.. and promised to be different..
was the same as them all.
haters gonna hate.

normal de se sentir

i think people get scared of feeling.
of being sad, or feeling gloomy.(take note. i hate that word... why i'm using it. no idea)
emotions are normal, and realizing this will make life a lot easier.
hiding yourself when not feeling okay, or as bubbly as normal, seems to be the usual for teenagers.
after going to dinner with a long lost friend..
it reminded me of the connection we hold.
we know that life isn't always facebook picture moments, or status updates..
that we all go through stages where getting out of bed is the hardest thing you could imagine doing,
and resenting school becomes the routine, just because you have to act so fake and happy or else your the girl who hates the world, and doesn't want to talk to anyone.
it's okay to be sad.
it's okay to feel like you can't go on.
you aren't emo.
haha as much as people think that.
no being sad doesn't immediately connect to cutting your wrists,
and being happy doesn't always connect to student council.
being you is what matters.
you need to surround yourself with  people that allow you to feel.
to feel alright.
most the times when i'm not feeling as pumped up as normal, is when i write or draw, and find out new things about myself.
so don't sit and think that the girl that doesn't talk is emo... or "depressed"
or the boy that is the happiest, most up-beat kid, is the most content in life.
hiding what you are feeling will get you nowhere..
and most the time make you feel like you are weird to feel that way.
so feel.
live.
don't be afraid to have a different emotion than happy.
experience emotions, and make the best out of you.

construction.

Utah-(pronounced as read): Mormons, and construction.

I don't get it.
Who was the genius that thought if they tore apart every road in Utah county, it would all be finished faster..?
If they tear apart another road, so help me.


(I'm not sure there is anymore roads to tear up anyways.. so i guess I'll be okay.)

i'll be missin you.

Brinley: That's Papa Rey's binocculars
Heather: yep, that's right
Brinley: Papa Hero
Heather: Papa Hero?
Brinley: Yeah, that's what I call him because when I get hurt he comes to me so I call him Papa Hero.

brinley is five..


miss you every day.
thank you for being here.
though you can't be here physically i know you live within all of us.
living so boldly within us, that a five year old can recognize the influence and help of someone she has never met. Her own grandfather.
thank you for strengthening us all.
love you forever.

"i must go on standing, you can't break that which isn't yours."

Caution: The recent "blues" are being reversed.
in life, there is a way.
a way to  provide for yourself, a way to find light, a way to educate yourself, a way to keep moving forward, and a way to never give up.
there is always going to be those times that you look and feel like for the life of you, you wouldn't be able to find a way to keep moving on.
the endearing urge i have to find something, hasn't quit.
what i am looking for, i'm not sure, mainly because i haven't found it yet.
humans have a drive to obtain something.
to search, or expose themselves to new situations to receive something in return.
whether that be tangible, or rather receiving a thought, or lesson.
with that in mind, those that surround you are striving for something, just as you are, 
why would you try to knock them down?
if you could live life on your own, without the influence, and impact of others, i don't think you would be here.
the influence of others is always far greater than you realize at the time.
but always, always remember it's not just you going through this detrimental time.
that others, just as you are struggling, and fighting to keep their head up.
that you aren't the one that goes through the contacts in your phone, searching for someone that would listen.
give people the benefit of the doubt, give them a chance to explain themselves, and give people time to come around.
realize they aren't purposely pushing you away.
though i am extremely good at it, my intent at heart is not to push people out of my life.
at all.
so here's a public (public meaning like the two people that read my blog) apology, if you have felt i don't want you apart of my life.
i'm sure of one person in specific that is most likely reading this, thinking yeah you are an idiot.
because my stupidity doesn't always recognize how much you've been standing here, waiting for me to come around.
and i'm sorry.
always remember you are great in someones eyes.
and though life is continuously changing, you will be okay.
life is about learning.
though it's been a funny theme song type thing, for a close friend and i.. playing pursuit of happiness continuously has opened my eyes.
"Imma do just what I want, lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold"
the sun isn't always shining for you, but it keeps shining everyday.
i am annie, and i am far from what i once was; but not yet what i am meant to be.
but this is me making an effort to change my ways.
here's to life, and open arms.