take as you wish.

I don't wish to out blog someone. Post the most inspiring quote. Update the most on facebook. Be the girl everyone loves at school. Be the most creative. Always have the best advice. Or be someone people look up to. 

But for the record..

At points in my life i have felt like there was nobody to turn to. That i didn't want to explain my thoughts.. or what i needed to my friends because of how stupid i might sound. The nights when you just beg that someone would come to your mind that would listen or be understanding, but it never seems to happen. I have be betrayed by friends countless times. I am extremely insecure. I have felt alone. There are things that have happened in my life that have completely wrecked me. Times that i don't want to get out of bed because life just doesn't seem worth it. and to be straight up. I know I am not the only one. I know that growing up isn't easy for anyone. And there is so many decisions you have to make that aren't easy. That there are times that you just wish for one person to be there.. and that everything would be alright. I'm glad that blogs kind of bring out the "growing up sucks.. but i'm doing it" side of everyone.. because it is nice to know that you aren't the only one. 

I know that life sucks sometimes. and that there are people out there who are debating on if it is worth it. And to get personal.. i have been surrounded countless times with people who don't want to do it anymore. Who are ready to throw in the towel. and it is incredible how many people feel that way, and how so many people are to damn prideful to care.

So here is to anyone out there:

It's hard. sometimes too hard to handle.. but people say it's worth it. Those that have gone through just as shitty of things as you have. And they are here and well. So don't give up. I don't want to be the fake girl who is friends with everyone "because she cares".. like that's just not me.. i'm not about to throw away who i am to be someone else to people. But i'll tell you this much. I am here to listen. That is me. I find strength in others, and know that sometimes it's leaning on other people that gets you through those times. I know that without some of my friends.. i would be stuck in sadness. or troubled times.. i know that there is certain people who have no idea how much they have touched my life and helped me to keep going. I'm not going to try to understand why you feel the way you do, or tell you how you should live your life. Because that is your part. But i will listen. and sometimes that is all people need. Know that i love you.. who ever you are. not because you read my blog... haha (which may be a slight factor) but that you aren't conceited and read this entire thing. haha.. just know that there is someone there.. and those nights when you just need someone to listen.. i'll be there. no matter the circumstances.. and i honest to the man up stairs mean that. keep on keepin on. 

seven things.

number one: I want to be a nascar driver.
(okay.. it doesn't have to be nascar.. but i want to race cars... driving fast.. is by far the best feeling ever. and when i did get my first ticket for speeding.. by the d.b. p.g. cop.. i wanted to say "alright.. i'm just practicing for my future career".. but seeing as he was the orneriest cop alive.. i decided to pass. the boy thinks it is so funny that i drive a billion miles a hour.. but it's okay. haha.)

number two: I think my dislike in change has taken ahold on my movies.
(let me explain. For those of you that know me.. know that i watched the grinch every night for a year.. yeah i missed the times i was out of town.. but honestly.. my faithfulness to that movie is a joke. every line in that.. is permanetly stuck in my head. but i watched the italian job one sunday.. then began watching that every night.. then my obsession with harry potter took over my life. but the point is.. like i have five select movies that i switch off between.. but i can't seem to watch a different movie. oh well. i'm satisfied.)

number three: i am obsessed with pictures/quotes.
(pinterest and weheartit... are my life. bottom line)

number four: i miss my old life.
(soooo bad do i wish i was with my team. my girls. my best friends. every day.. through the fights, drama, stupid things that piss you off.. and just random crap... like it is more worth it than anything. although i'm glad i was able to have a job.. and be able to work every day.......... i can't believe i'm saying i'm grateful for that.. but anyways. i'm glad i can work. but i don't want to be grown up yet.. and manage my  money. i want to be at studio one. every day for the rest of my life.)

number five: passion for paint
(random obsession with painting.. weird.. cause i use to hate it. but oh well it's fun:))

number six: boy and best friend. blessed.
("i'm not lucky i am blessed yes". for freaking real. ha i find the need to do a brag post every so often. but for realllll between the two of them.. i am so dang lucky. they are two of the most unique.. haha and incredible people ever. love them both so much.

number seven: -15 lbs..
(by the end of the year.. that is my goal. incase you were wondering. hahaha ps. like two posts ago i wrote soda only twice a week........ that was the funniest thing i think i have ever written. good heck. soda addict? [x] awesome. and not that i'm like at all trying to flaunt this.. but if i feel like i put it on my blog.. more motivation? or something. haha wish me luckk)

welllll.. everyone has pretty much done it by now.
so i tag.
whoever hasn't.

indeed.

her- i sorry. boy's suck.
me- really though.
her- i hate them
me- i hat them.
her- i hat them more. That's why i'm gay.
me- i know, that's why we are in a relationship.

find a best friend who doesn't try to make everything a serious sob story when something goes wrong.. but rather makes you laugh your head off about how stupid you are being.. and somehow it makes you forget about all the previous things that happened.. find someone like that, and hold on to them forever. thank youuu.

in the process.

Hello new life. 

Here is to today.

It has gotten to that point of me wanting a new change, and frankly my nutrition/working out time has been soo crazy ever since quitting my studio. So why not choose that? It's not at all that i am the obese human being, though easy to feel that way. I just want to have confidence in myself, and be able to hold myself with poise. haha that's what my mother says. So i made myself a work out schedule and am sticking by it from now on. Also went to Sunflower Market after work today and got some groceries... Eating healthy is expensive, but so worth it. Hopefully this will help my immune system, that rarely exists as is. haha. 

New Rules: 

1.Soda only twice a week (going to be so hard with a fridge full of every soda you can imagine at work... but i can do it)

2. Water bottle on me at all times.

3. 3 fast food visits a week. which seems like way more than a someone should have.. but realizing i'm in high school.. that is already a major cut back.. which is disgusting. 

4. 20 minute minimum jog/run a day. 

5. Follow work out schedule.. and no skipping things. even if tired!

I'm ready to be comfortable in my body.. which has never happened so this will be new. haha 

Believe in me would ya? I'm going to get there..

would anyone like to join me? 

cool story hansel.

friday morning: Woke up dizzy and weak, but time for tdt. yay.. get going.. head to school. start dancing. room starts spinning. I asked my coach if i could sit down.. which was fine seeing as we were cleaning the number i choreographed with presidency.. anyways. sit down. feel like i'm going to throw up. go throw up. walk out to the field with them to space. sit on the bench. everything goes blurry. ask my coach if i could go home.. she says yes. walk towards the school. feel sick again. reach the nearest garbage can.. throw up.. for a good fifteen minutes. look up. hello boys p.e. class. awesome. go in, grab my bag. check out. go home. sit on the bathroom floor. throw up. stand up. black out. pass out. smack my head on the door frame. out cold. cry. throw up. all day. ate four crackers. eventually threw them up. anxiety attack. if you were going to ask.. i will tell you. I AM SICK OF BEING SICK. amen.

101. thank you.

five years ago today the world seemed to be more confusing than i could have ever imagined.
Laughing and talking about how my clothes never match, Nate, Stewart, Wyatt, and I walked home from school. Did i think I was so cool, seeing as we were walking to my house to see if i could go hang out with them... Yes, yes i did. Covering topics about the usual seventh grade troubles, Mr. Winget, and how "girls were so dramatic" we got closer to my house. As we crossed the side street that divided natani's house and mine there was such a solitude i had never felt about my yard. My house seemed deserted though it looked no different than it did the day before. I told them to wait there while i ran in to ask my mom if i could go hang out. I ran inside as things seemed to be put in slow motion, i looked down the hall to see my mom hysterically crying on her bed, and looked at my dad. I asked him if i could go hang out and as he replied no, i felt the need to not push it by asking why. I ran back out, utterly confused and told them that i could probably hang out later but i needed to clean my room. I shuffled back in and sat down in the living room as i heard my mom on the phone telling someone "Rey had passed away". I didn't get it. How could I loose someone that i knew and loved so deeply. I had told everyone that my uncle Rey was my favorite uncle from day one. I loved all my uncles but for some reason had felt like uncle Rey had made me feel extra special, as he did everyone. Though a mere thirteen years seemed to be a long time to me in the moment, i look back now and feel like i had only known him for a split second. So why if so little time spent with him do i feel impelled to write a long blog post about him? because, he's here. I know some of what he has gone through, not nearly half of it, but i know he knows what i am going through.. every last bit of it. I feel comforted by him, as choices are needing to be made. I feel his guidance, and light throughout my life.. daily. Thank you for surrounding me in times of need, i am so grateful i am blessed with such an incredible guardian angel. High school is tough, and sometimes i feel bad that people don't have such a loving uncle guiding their way. Helping them when they don't feel strong enough to decide things on their own. I can't wait to see you again, and thank you for all that you have done for me. Love and miss you uncle rey... always will. 
"Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow"

happy 100.

the recent non-blogging can be blamed on the fact that this is my hundredth post.

not that the number is any more significant that 99, my head thought otherwise.

happy three digit blog.

i tried to think of something great to blog about, surprisingly... i've got nothing other than thoughts that have been floating around my head for the past couple weeks.

initiated by this quote: If everyone tossed their problems into one huge pile and looked around, one would quickly grab theirs back. 

and by this: The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything- Albert Einstein

Thoughts:

 Be grateful for your life, and blessings. but never judge someone or look down upon them for the scarcity they hold, in aspects of their life. We are all trying our best, to trudge along, grabbing hold of the scarce stability life presents. the cliche "keep your head up" begins more tiring, detrimental, and near impossible on your weakest days. But always remember the reciprocal of those times. That there is so many times your life is packed full of happiness, and carefree times. It is just easier to forget those, and become ungrateful but always remember that you are alive and well, and sometimes that is all you can ask for. 


cheers to life.