Monday, July 11, 2011

i don't have a choice, but i still choose you.

Hello blog.
It's been quite some time. So here's to an extremely long post of catching up.
This week has been just about every emotion you can experience all crammed into one, and i was perfectly ok with that. Sunday people arrived home which was exciting. Sunday night i left for good ol' Irvine California for la dance magic nationals... and boy was i ready. Things were going great and i was so happy to be with my closest friends that all have one common interest, that links us together in an incredible way. Drama struck, with news of three team members quiting.. Which was extremely hard, and did take a toll on our team.. but we didn't let that stop us from having the time of our lives. With trips to the spectrum center, cheesecake factory, late night gas station runs, walking everywhere, dancing our hearts out.. we got closer than ever. I got to stay with Steph, Danielle, and Kyla.. which was funnier than i could ever describe.. At the beginning of the week.. stuff back home came crashing down.. and goodbyes had to be said.. which took so much out of me, physically, emotionally, mentally.. pretty much everything. It was at this point that i realized why i dance. Why i do what i do every single day. Dance is my outlet, my freedom, it is me. I learned to trust. To trust the people who are in your life. Not the superficial relationships you have, but those who sincerely care about you. If it wasn't for steph, Danielle, and dance.. This week.. haha oh man. i don't even know.. honestly. Through the long talks with Danielle, to dancing with everything i had within me.. i made it, and I'm here. One of the classes i took was from Matt Dorame, my idol. He is the most incredible male dancer i have ever seen, and taking class from him all week, ahh.. what more could i ask for. But in his class he sat us down and told us about how all growing up he was the most amazing swimmer. He was six foot three, on swim team, dive team, and was progressing quickly. He was meant to swim, and everyone knew that. For him swim team didn't fulfill what he needed, so he started dancing. He was terrible, awkward, lanky, and didn't fit in anywhere. People tried to tell him to stop, and tried so hard to convince him swimming was a better option. And that's when he said to us, when the day comes that i die and go up and talk to God about my life.. He will probably ask me why i didn't follow my path to swim. I'll tell him thanks for all the check points, and for that talent he gave me to swim.. I'll explain to him that i knew i wasn't meant to dance, but its what i needed. I know i had to go against everything and everyone to get where i am, but i just needed to dance. And at that point he will say to me, Matt.. That is what i wanted you to do all along, thank you for following your heart. Boy did that hit home. Sometimes i feel like everyone and everything is going against me, and i know as a teenage girl.. many of us feel this way. It is so easy to get down, to loose trust in people, to realize who never was there for you, and realize there are people that will never care as much as you want them to. You will realize there is always someone that is better than you, someone that is going for the exact same dream as you, that will probably get it. You will come across more failure than success, more heartbreak than unconditional love. You will loose friends, best friends, boy friends.. people who you never thought you would lose.. but then they are gone. You will know that people won't believe the words you say, no matter how much you know in your heart your screaming the truth.. You will feel like you've got the world on your shoulders.. and i guess it's that point when you know how strong you are. What your dreams are, and the people you should surround yourself with. The ones that encourage you to follow your dreams.. The feeling of being so alone. The feeling of wanting something so out of reach. The feeling of looking for something, but your not sure what it is. The wanting, needing, desperation, to live. To be who you are meant to be. This week showed me a lot of what next year is going to be like. If i am on my own in my fight, i will make sure i am stronger than people will expect. If i am on my own.. i will know i can do it. The overwhelming sense of aloneness i came across this week was scary. Not having the people i use to turn to anymore. Not knowing what to do.. but then learning to turn to dance.. ahh. I know throughout life i will loose so much more.. but this week taught me what to do when this occurs. Dance, live, breathe, trust, know that life goes on.. and that the birds still sing.

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