convincing.

it's the four am.. I'm still awake.. times that get you thinking.

the growth, color, and happiness.
the commanding heat upon your skin.
the leaves whistling, shuttering in the wind.
the crackling, bitter, autumn nights.
the crisp, white, snowfall through the night.

seasons change; as do people.
there is no reason to fight for someone or something that has changed. nor a reason to tell them "you've changed", because neither are going to solve what your hoping for. the desire to rekindle the relationship you once held with them. the hope to reminisce on the memories you've shared. Sometimes you've got to just learn to walk away before you get hurt. somethings broken.. you can try and fix it but no matter how hard you try it will never be how it was before.. no matter how much super glue you use..



walk away Annie...

back off.

please just stop.
who are you to tell me what i can do.
who are you to try and stop me from following my dreams.
who are you to tell me what i use to be like.
who are you to tell me that it is not like me.
who are you to tell me to give up.
who are you to get in my way.
who are you to tell me I've changed and you hate to see me this way.
who are you to tell me that I'm not happy.
who are you to act like you know how i feel.
who are you to think you can leave me when you wish, and come back in pointing out every flaw imaginable.
who are you to storm around, trying to control me, trying to knock me down..


to be honest. your not getting to me. but rather driving me freaking insane.
i know who i am
i know what i want and what i am going to have to do to make my dreams attainable.
i know i have changed, but that is a part of life..
i know what makes me happy.
i know who you are to me.
i know that i am strong enough without you.
i know i am strong enough that when you come crashing down on me i can walk away from it, unharmed.
i know that when you walk out and find other people to turn to, i will always be here. not that i want to.. but it's a part of me that i could never leave behind. no matter how hard the memories are to face.

sometimes it sucks to realize how much better you are without certain people in your life.
rid of the ones bringing you down.
they aren't worth it, no matter how hard the goodbyes are.

an appologetic post with a sign that the sun will be rising.

these are the days that you find out who you truly are.

As much as I feel like my blog is somewhere I can vent, for anyone that reads it... is probably annoyed. haha cause the past like billion posts have been so negative. and poor me... and you know what? I'm a much happier person than i make myself sound. haha so for anyone that has been reading any of the latest posts. I'm sorry haha. really. "Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love people that treat you right. Forget about the ones that don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody ever said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." love that.. I have so many more reasons to be happy than to not be.. so it's  up to me to change. "both enthusiasm and pessimism are contagious, which will you spread?"

the following, is a list of ways i will her by live:

.celebrate life everyday. .embrace authenticity. .laugh out loud. .dance for no reason. .have fun. .dream big. .be bold. .create new paths. .make mistakes. .walk tall. .try something new. .take risks. .inspire. .be inspired. .shine brightly. .enliven joy. .make things. .connect to the world, not to electronics. .love unconditionally. .live fully. .be an explorer. continue learning. .never stop growing. .be curious. .be present. .give hugs. .enjoy spontaneity. .open your mind. .expand your heart. .be still. .fly. .color outside the lines. .share. .be enthusiastic. .be yourself, always. .enjoy the simple things. .live your passion. .see with fresh eyes. .listen. .let go of perfect. .be kind. .have gratitude. .see beauty everywhere. .breathe deeply. and smile.

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, to have the life that is waiting for us."

- joseph campbell.

we all have stories. we all have scars. we all have explanations. we all can justify our feelings, if given the chance. we all have freedom to express our emotions as we please. every scar we do have tells a story.. in which proclaims "i survived".

no more of this dwelling on the past.

done done and done. 

"your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now, and now is right on time."

Today is the day to live on happiness's terms. I'm not one to say to live on someone/something elses terms. but i think this will be an ok choice(: I will try to stay positive through the current ish that is going on. and know that the sun will come up in the morning, and everything will be ok.. though the nights seems so rediculously long.

 i will smile. because i can.

if you want to fly, you've got to get rid of what is weighing you down.

that wanting to leave your house.. but not being able to pull yourself around to it.
the desperation to talk to someone... but not having an available person to speak with.
the desire to be with someone.. but the person is out of reach.
the wish to receive an unexpected text or phone call.. that is never received.
the yearn to poor your heart out to an opening ear.. without sounding conceited.
the longing to be able to explain your thoughts to someone.. but when the chance is given, everything but how you truly feel, comes out.

"if we discovered that we had only five minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them."- christopher morley.

lets hope the summer turns up from here.. cause i doubt i can keep going if the days are as they have been.


"why do the clouds always have to be covering the stars.." "just think when they aren't, i'll be looking at the same stars all the way in kansas"

nights are long.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."

after not being able to sleep last night.. i decided to watch the notebook.
dear stupid boys. if you could be like noah.. girls would actually like you. they wouldn't get annoyed because you wouldn't be playing your childish games.. and you would know what unconditional love is. so you should work on that. i know the girls would appreciate it, as will i. dear notebook creators.. thank you for making me realize how stupid some boys are.. but i don't know if i fully appreciate what you have taught me. i've fallen in love with noah. and hope to one day find a man like him.. but here's the problem. Orem, Utah does not contain these men. where was the movie filmed? cause apperantly i need to head there. but thank you.. sincerley, me. 

 "I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."

ahhhh. gosh.

"Look, guys. That's my sweetheart in there. I'm not leaving her. This is my home now. Your mother is my home."



"I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

the harsh.. icey whisper of change.

i'm scared of people dying.
i'm scared of one day having to move.
i don't like when i get a different kind of deodorant or toothpaste..
i don't like having new dance teachers.
i'm so unbelievably scared of people moving.
i watch the same movie every night.
basically. i'm annie and i have a huge problem with change.
found out sunday that the boy wanted to go to kansas city to sell pest control. shocked.. would be a good way to put it. though it was random... and such a big change in so little time. i know this is what he wants and i know he is going to be in a better situation.. He will make his own decisions. and be able to get out of the crappy situations that have been surrounding him lately. with that being said... it was time for me to buck up and support him with everything i could. hung out with him for the last time last night.. for the next seventy one days. honestly to some people that sounds like a piece of cake. and i know people are probably thinking of that whole two year orem utah commitment most boys make.. i get it. i have three friends out and plenty of cousins. but it is so different for me. i get so comfortable. and it's not easy.. it takes so much of me to open up to  people. to trust. to let love in... and so now that i know nothing different then being with him all the time.. it's just a shock. i was at his house before he left.. and was doing fine. with him saying "don't leave me" when i told him he had to go pack.. was somewhat funny.. cause earlier on in the week i told him to not leave me. but as soon as i got in the car.. haha the breaking point occurred. with people asking me if we will stay together and acting like i'm stupid when i say yes.. kind of scares me. because i don't know what the future is going to bring. or what the next 71 days will do to us. but more me. it scares me. bad.. so kansas city. you're gonna have a lot on your hands for the next while:). haha treat him well. and please keep the gangs away. someone on his flight already scared him enough. good luck boy. i'll see you soon.

it hurt a little.

dad got a scooter.
tryna start it for thirty minutes.
"i wanna ride it."
shuts off.
think to myself.. oh that's  a little weird...
scooter starts. dad goes and rides it. comes back.. i go.
leave my phone on the chair.
drive around the church parking lot. go back the other way.. head down the street. pull over to flip around and go back.. wait for a car to pass.. start flipping around but not very sharp seeing as the first time was a little scary to ride it. car that was pulled off in front of me decided to flip around as well. much faster.. car coming for me. look forward. just see weeds and decide to go straight into them. hit the gas so the car doesn't hit. it was dark. ended up being a canal.. fell off the scooter.. scooter on top of me.. no energy whats so ever. reach for my phone.. it's at the house. screaming and trying to push it off.. roll up the hill a little. crash back on top of me. bottom half on my leg. top on my chest.. can hardly breathe. close my eyes and give up... then the scooter was lifted off. and i was in someones arms. the guys that cut me off pulled over and ran back from me.. God was watchin out for me tonight... i've never met more sincere appologetic men in my life. one probably my age.. and two that were early twenties. never asked for their names.. didn't have to.. and was in a little shock. got home. with bruises, a numb leg, and trauma. but i'm still here.. and if it weren't for them who knows what condition i would be in right now. so where ever you are right now guys. thank you for coming back.. someitmes when you feel like giving up, God sends someone to strengthen you and remind you that you're still here.. and thats the thing.. i am still here. so thank you.

if only.

uhm..

not even kidding.

can not get over this obsession.

Channing Tatum.

you are the most attractive man.

ever.

real talk.

ahhhhhhh.

it had been one year.

all is well. then you come in. once again.
i would like to know is, is what your doing is intentional?..
"Just when I had you off my head, Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed. You say you wanna try again. But I've tried everything but giving in. Why you wanna break my heart again, Why am I gonna let you try.
When all we ever do is say goodbye" (john.mayer... he gets me. duh.)
did you think it through to text me the weekend we shared a year ago exactly.
as if the memories didn't already flood.
as if the fights that night didn't make me second guess running back to how everything was.
do you mean to do what you do to me.
it's the person you think of when you read love quotes.
it's the person you tell yourself your over.. but you know your not.
as if i don't already picture what the fall will bring.
and the choices that will have to be made.
how happy i am right now.
everything will change.
as if i don't sit there thinking that you will still be there.
waiting... as you say.
seeing your name in my inbox.
why do you have to do this.
dear inbox,
please keep him out for now.
i honestly can't handle it.
it would be much appreciated.
thanks,
annie.

who are you to tell me who i am?

what they tell you:

"wear heals always. curl your hair. capitalize the first letter and put a period at the end, be fake and smile no matter what. stab people in the back. say what they want to hear. if your outfit didn't cost a certain amount your cheap. your laugh is geeky. reading is for nerds. carbs are bad.. don't eat carbs. and don't forget to count your calories. every last one of them."

what are you trying to prove to them?

As human beings, we all have something in common;

we all get one life to live and one life only.

  live it with love, courage and the thirst for unlimited possibilities.

The answer to the question of "what is stopping me" is not scientific, or complex, it is simple. 

It's you.

 The most valuable gift that you have is your life, so live life on your terms versus someone else's.

Be a person of a thousand dreams, but be more than that,

be a person of a thousand dreams that had the courage to take a step towards

making them reality.

Dare to take that step.

Rid of the doubt within you.

Don't look back on the past and wish things were different,

be grateful for the person you are now, because at one point what you did was what

you needed at that very second.

but do not live a life of regret.

you are you, and that is the greatest blessing you have.

What's stopping you from being what you wish?

nothing. because you can be more than that.

You ARE more than that.

People don't know who you are. You aren't who you seem to be. Your the geeky, quiet, awkward girl who nobody seems to get. Your always two steps behind the rest of the group. You're only awkward because people can't understand the way you think; you try to rearrange your words, but you can't, because that would be like changing the essence of who you are. You're only quiet because you have another world inside your head, where everything seems to blend together seamlessly. It seems like you're two steps behind, but that's only because you're walking in a completely different direction.

mumble.jumble.

the rambling thought process of today, june tenth.

wake up. dance was pretty crappy. i love when i can't even do a triple pirouette. love being second best, it is quite the best. not. I love hearing the news of "we are having all of senior company re-audition at the make up auditions".. are you kidding or no. i honestly was waiting for a just kidding.. but it never came. Did we all seriously do that bad.. haha like i don't get it. company ballet and company technique.. longest four hours of my life, seriously. get home.. pass out on the chair.. which is the most uncomfortable chair i have ever sat in and i always end up falling asleep in it.. and waking up feeling like i am seventy two. technically i don't know what that feels like.. and all old people are just one age to me.. so i don't know if that is even old. but you know what.. thats what i felt like. walk down stairs.. slowly.. don't forget my body is 72 at this point. get in the shower. with my flip flops on.. sat there wondering why and couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation so i took them off. decided to shower sitting down. some would call this a bath. but the difference is such. bath you are sitting in your own filth. sitting shower the water flows.. and never stays upon your body for too long. haha. shaved my legs.. uhm first i think all summer probably. and don't worry i've been wearing shorts like eeerrryday. diiisgusting. (ps. i hate when people say deeesgusting. it is spelled dis. thank you. come again). my phone plays tricks on me.. it doesn't send messages. for fun! awesome. uhm where was i.. haha get it i could have just looked back at where i was. but i typed it. am i going insane. why yes i am. but i took about a forty minute shower.. got out.. put my flip flops on and went to my room. sat on my bed looking at my closet. deciding whether to put clothes on or just some sweats. obviously i chose sweats. went up the stairs. ate some ham fried rice for dinner. it had eggs in it. sick. i ate it anyways. at this point the reoccurring thought popped in my head that said "annie go to farrs". i ignored. talked with my parents about the act i have tomorrow morning. as i thought to myself. you are a child annie.. and scared the daylights out of myself. haha i'll probably get a ten. maybsss. then i asked if i could go hang out.. while thinking to myself.. i do not want to change. and i was told my curfew was 9:30.. then i complained. and i am stuck home for the night. yayyyyyyy! hence this entirely purposeless post. i am feeling as though i have lost a friend. not any friend.. but a best friend. the lack of speaking is sucking.to say the least. but maybe change is occurring and if so i will deal with it. hence the facebook status. "people change. not in the jr. high "we can't be friends.. you've changed.." way, but rather people find other priorities and such. as a result.. you should do the the same. there is no reason to wait around for something that will never be the same." sitting here thinking to myself... i have a twenty five dollar itunes card. i should get around to spending. haven't seen the boyfriend in like three days. sucks. we speak of running away to ireland.. or compton. which ever sounds better at the moment. last night i may as well have driven to ireland. it was probably closer than where i did drive to. kidding, but bad nights result in driving until i think im half way out of gas then i have to turn around so i have enough to get back. it was springville last night. then we fight over who loves each other more. i never thought i'd be the cliche' couple.. but im afraid it has happened. "annie go to farrs" "annie your an idiot. now you can't leave the house" a heaping bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream will do for today. but as for tomorrow farrs. someone needs to stop  me. im a maniac. haha i'm going to become some gigantor person. but you know what i will be happy eating my farrs so i don't even care. cheers to the day i am a fatty. hahaha. ohmylanta. i hope one person is witnessing my psychotic behavior right now. i feel so distant to everybody at this point. i feel like i have lost so many close friendships. this summer will be the one to rekindle. after chatting with tori i realized this. haha our chat was actually incredibly entertaining. i learned how to make this piggy devil emoticon haha.. msn status baby. in case your wondering on facebook chat if you do 3:) or maybe its 3(: either way it makes a thing. you know. a face. yes. well time for the wrap up. tonight will bring the thoughts of farrs. snugglin up with mannie. ohhh what would i do without mannie. and watching a movie. not sure yet.. probs a disney. or maybe spy kids. for the millionth time. and the dreams of having a friend that will be my starbucks bud. as much as i dream of farrs.. haha starbucks is love. much love. peace and love. haha that reminds me of bebo days. oh man. i am officially past  insane. laterrr.
and ps. if you are out there. i love you...

HI! i'm a struggle...

HELP NEEDED.
hi im annie madsen and im a struggle.
and i'll admit it.
haha. ohhhmyyylanta.
seriously.
please look at my blog.
helpless it seems right?
well if one of you kind souls would like to help me.
let me know.
i know your dying to.
cause frankly i can't take looking at this hell of a mess much longer.
in my defence.
i have watched and read endless amounts of tutorials.. even texted taryn asking for help.
and it still doesn't make sense. haha
i feel so clueless. ugh.
ughhsaofnoasdf.
no, correction. that ^ is how i feel.
soo uhh help anyone? haha.

done and done.

the letter has march twenty-fourth as the headline.
date sent. june tenth.
i do realize that was almost three months ago.
but the letter is in the mailbox.
i repeat.
the letter is in the mailbox.
but what i have not realized is what took this whole putting the letter in the mailbox, so long.
two days ago i was all "im gonna send it" ran downstairs grabbed it from my bottle collection storage i've created. ran upstairs. out the door. open the mailbox. welllp. the mail had already came... haha. but i tried again today. and success.
it'll be a year in about a week.
then one more.
don't get me wrong.. i want to write him.
haha and i got a letter yesterday informing me of my lack of writing him since.
welll. lets say maybe November.
oops.
but sometimes its hard.
times have changed.
but letter. you besss be gettin to him likity split.
yes i said it.
likity split.
maybe this is a movement.
mayyybe. i will get around to writing the other two. (the chances are slim.)
but as journey proclaims.
"don't stop believing"
ha. what a joke.
so england,
you've got a letter heading your way.
and you better treat it kindly.
the envelope is purple. and has a picture on the back. like usual.
but until then. feed him crumpits. send him my love. and keep him safe would ya?
thanks,
annie.
and annie,
you say you like writing so much...
so write your friends.
so you don't feel so guilty getting letters informing you of the last time you wrote them.
reallll talk.
thanks,
annie.

the birthday numbered 17.

uhmm. so this is a much needed post.. that i have been meaning to do for quite some time.
may 26th. the birthing day for myself. ha.

day started off bright and early.
well technically it was still dark outside.
it was one a.m. when i was woken to jakelle, ashley, tiffanie, rosie, cassidy, and liza jumping on my bed telling me to get up.
we went to dennys. and grant and derrick were waiting there.. scared the heck out of me..
we ate. so much fun.. good to be with all of my friends for once.
went home. slept for a little
got up. went to school. on the way turned the corner to see a huge poster that said "happy 17th birthday annie" that was freaking cute.
went to school in tdt there were balloons waiting for me that i had to carry around all day(: haha those were my orders.
uhmm.. went to the rest of school. which sucked a little seeing as it was finals but oh well.
after school i was given a basket full of all my favorite treats and suchh(:
went to arc.
was entertained by the stupid things grant had to say.. like ususal.
and watched him draw me, cass, him, and jessa on the balloons haha. that was a plus. haha.
went to wendys with cass.
went home.
don't remember what i did.
derrick came over. gave me the best present ever haha. really.
went to pizza factory with la familia.
aft and sky were working so that was a definite plus.
went to tech rehersal.
went home
ate cookies and ice cream (by myself :( haha)
and the day ended.
saturday though. ash wanted to take me to get ice cream for my birthday.. rosie came. went ate, got in the car.. all of the sudden there was a blind fold around my eyes and i didn't know what was going on, drove around for awhile. i was getting frustrated cause i didn't know where i was. got out of the car at the destination. was lead by ash and rosie up some stairs.. then hear "SURPRISE" yelled haha and opened my eyes to some of my bessst friends in the world running up to me. the amazing friends i have threw me a surprise party. and we danced the night away... well until rosie sliced her foot. haha. but oh well. it was so much fun while it lasted. i have some of the best friends in the entire world. they would do anything for me. and i can tell. love them sooo much. and am so greatful i have them in my life. seriously.
thanks for the best birthday i could have asked for. yeeeahh buddy.

day 23.

23. favorite music.


it would be impossible to say my "favorite music" cause the list in infinite.
but feel good music would be a good way to put it.
anything from base pumping, have to move to pitbull haha... to heart wrenching, poor every feeling out ben harper.
i love it all.
music that makes me move would be an easy way to put it.

favorite artists as of right now.. for the slower.. more feel good genre...
ben harper.
ellie goulding.
iron and wine.
mumford and sons.
adele.
arkitekt
bon iver.
damien rice.
ernie halter.
feist.
ingrid michealson.
john mayer
jose gonzalez.
joshua radin.
kalai.
schuyler fisk.
sean mcConnell.
and the list goes on.

day 22.

twenty.second.day.
favorite childhood memory.

honestly i could not choose one.. my childhood was pretty carefree.
but..
one of my favorites would probably be fourwheeling/camping with my familia. I've always loved the outdoors and "roughin'" it for some time.. haha and my just having fun with my family. No makeup, campfire dinners, smores, the yellow fourwheeler(: (my dad bought two littlerrr fourwheelers.. the blue was for the boys and the yellow was for the girls.. me and maddie felt prettttty dang cool) and just good times. love them.

o.d.

if the world didn't have those things...

goodbyes could have been said.

phone calls in the middle of the night telling nothing but news you never wished to hear would have never happened.

unexpected loss could be prevented.

a legacy and friend to all could have been saved.

once the path is taken there is no turning back. but there is always ways to lead a new path.

you are the leader of your life.

the hurt people feel that is often kept to themselves could have been dealt with.

the bitter, impacting aloneness would have been comforted.

the choices one may make, to take away the hurt behind closed doors

nobody knows.

i only hope in the conceited high school world i have to belong to for the next year... people will care a little less about themselves.. and realize what is going on around them.

People care after something traumatizing happens.

always.

but you know.. sometimes its a little too late.

do something now.

show people you care..

because you have no idea what they are going through..

the struggles the face every day.

the amount it takes from them to keep going.

care now.

why does it take something serious to make people realize how fragile people are? how a simple phrase can make or break them in a sense. how addiction is a serious thing that is not easily overcome..

 but is attainable. 

you never want to lose someone and wish you could have one more conversation with them to tell them you care. to tell them "if you ever need someone i will be here".. you know fate doesn't always give you that option. so say those things now. but don't just say them.. mean it and live by your words.. sincerely care about people and don't make them question if they can turn to you in serious troubling times. live with no regrets, and be so in tune with those around you.. cause i promise when you don't.. it'll tear you apart.

the strength is in the pack.

day 21.

favorite movies.

not in any order..

The Grinch.
The Last Song.
Dear John.
Spy Kids
Inception
The Italian Job.
Tranformers.
Center Stage.
Stomp The Yard.
Step up.
Harry Potter(s)

yuppp. those are the nightly's.
use to be the grinch every night.. but i've been switchin it up lately.

day 20.

a picture of yourself and 15 facts.

1. Ha. i could have looked for a cute picture or something.. but that brings me to fact number one.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. Sorry if you think you are great or something.. but ha your opinion doesn't matter to me.

2. Dance is me. I have passion to move. I will be dancing to my grave.

3. I am sarcastic. so don't take me seriously or you will be easily offended.

4. i hate feet.

5. i hate bridges. thank you mr. hunter for showing me; a helpless seventh grader, a video of bridge after bridge breaking and killing people. You definitely made an impact.

6. i spend way to much time between blogging, weheartit, youtube, playlist, facebook. well basically just on the computer.

7. i collect bottles.

8. i will learn how to be a glass blower before i die.

9. i have one of the longest bucket lists. and you better believe i will achieve every last thing on it.

10. i would like to punch girls of the dramatic decendancy?

11. i have the best friends in the world.

12. if i could i would live in the canyon for the rest of my life. looove nature.

13. i write way too much.. but have a passion for writing.

14. i remember everything. haha like little details about everything just stick in my head. sometimes this is bad. but what ever.

15. i am me. i say what i want. i live the way i want to live. i believe what i want. but don't try and stop me unless your set out for failure. because i am done letting people get me down. I am annika leigh madsen and stronger than you would ever believe.

call me a bitch, call me cocky, call me stuck up, call me what you want.

do it.

but watch me as a i walk off.. laughing.

i dare you.

day 19.

nineteeeeeen. something im looking forward to.


uhhhm NATIONALS anyone?
halllllllla.
not even kidding.. i can not wait.
we've been working towards this for the whole year.. and i'm ready to tear ladancemagic up.
nooo joke.
plus. added bonus.
me, steph, stephs sister, jakelle all staying together?
hahaha yeeeeeeahhh buddy.
nationals. a month from today. weird. coincidental.
whooo.
sodc.seniority.

day 18.

eighteenth day.
a letter to someone you haven't talked to in awhile.

Grandma.
writing this to you makes me wish i could talk to you so much more than i already want to. saying i miss you is such an understatement. Today we planted our flowers, Dad told me how much you use to spend on flowers.. i just smiled because i could just picture you, smiling, singing, planting endless amounts of flowers. then picturing how mad grandpa must  have gotten. You somehow found beauty in everything, even when you were sick. We planted snapdragons in memory of you. Endless amounts of tears filled my eyes. Sadness overwhelmed us all, but i wanted to keep going.. cause i felt like you were near. I visit your grave often.. i know you are not there, but i feel peace reading "you are the wind beneath our wings". You were the wind beneath our wings then, as you ever are now. Looking back at the pictures of our tea parties, piano lessons, pictures with pumpkin.. you were all i ever needed. I was a grandma's girl. I get so selfish in my thinking.. I want you back.. I need you. I feel like everything would make sense if i could have one more conversation with you. I know you weren't happy here.. You stayed positive for us, but disease overcame.. and took the best of you. unwillingly. Grandma. i miss you. i think about you every day.. i couldn't have asked for a better next door neighbor. I have to see you again someday. that's what keeps me close to the church.. the thought of being with you.. is what i need. Because without that simple thought i wouldn't be able to keep going. truly. I love you and appreciate everything you have done for me. The strength i receive when remembering you is incredible. When asked who my hero is i think of you without fail. A strong woman who dealt with everything that was sent her way; happily.  Grandma.. Dad misses you too. I've seen him cry once in my life.. and it was at your funeral. Knowing you wouldn't be here with us.. nearly killed us all. You are such an amazing woman, and it is unfortunate that not everyone could know you. but i am glad i had the gift of having you in my life.. I miss you. We all miss you. and always will. I love you Grandma.. Until that day i get to see you again please stay close to me. I know you will, and have since the day you were taken from us. Thank you for being my guardian angel. I love you.

day 17.

17. something that inspires you.

of the many things i could choose from.. I'm going to have to go with music.
i realize everyones alll "oh i love music"
no.
the strength i find in music is unbelievable.
a symphony or a single acoustic.
when i am weak i am lifted up.
being a dancer i feel as though i "have an ear" to hear the different beats, ticks, anything and everything in the music.
music makes me move.
music makes me live.
so many hours of blasting with tears streaming..
i can't even imagine what i would do without it.
driving for hours.. canyon, freeway, wallsburg. where ever i end up. there is endless playlists going.
ahh.
seriously.
my best friend.
her name is pandora.
second best friend.
playlist.com
heaven?
check.
love.
music inspires ME.

black swan shoot.

sooo much fun.